DEAR MISS MANNERS: I picked up grocery items for a dear friend who was busy setting up a small dinner party. She said she would send me the money on an app.
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I sent her a screenshot of the receipt, took the items to her and even helped her finish setting up. She repeated that she’d send me the funds.
It’s been five days and she’s not mentioned it again. I want to be gentle with my request, and don’t want to sound desperate, but I need that $80 back.
GENTLE READER: “Did the app work? I don’t think I received anything from you yet. Please let me know if you need me to resend the receipt.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was helping serve the cake at a birthday party. A few dozen guests were seated throughout the main part of the house, and we were bringing cake and ice cream to their seats.
The host is a hospitable soul who would never take the first piece of cake while his guests were still waiting.
I think that two of his elderly relatives would be considered to have precedence. They were seated separately, each surrounded by a knot of family and friends, on opposite sides of the same room.
To serve them first, I would have had to walk past all the people who were talking with them, hand a piece of cake to a sweet great-grandmother, and leave the rest of the group temporarily disappointed. Then I could have taken a piece of cake to the other much-adored elderly relative, leaving the rest of that group briefly disappointed, and then served the rest of the guests in whatever order they were seated in.
Alternatively, I could have gone around the room, with the guest sitting closest to the kitchen likely receiving the first piece. Or perhaps I could have found a tray so I could carry more than two pieces of cake in each trip.
What does Miss Manners recommend?
GENTLE READER: Although you have not said whether this is a child’s birthday party, the presence of the honoree’s great-grandmother heavily suggests that. Besides, Miss Manners enjoys thinking of a child who is hospitable enough to be concerned about his guests.
If she is mistaken, you can take comfort in knowing that adults do not generally clamor for desserts, and they have the experience to know that theirs will arrive in due time. You could safely serve the eldest guests without risking tears from those nearby.
But children’s birthday parties have an etiquette that can be applied to other gatherings, so long as a majority of the guests are too young to do long division. The etiquette rests on three assumptions: 1. All, or nearly all, of the children want cake. 2. Now. 3. Most of the adults do not, or at least say they do not.
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The first step in such service is to enlist as many able-bodied adults as possible to begin ferrying slices and ice cream as quickly as they can be plated. Serve each table, clockwise, starting with the birthday child (who is traditionally granted an exemption from waiting) and working outwards.
By putting the adults to work, service will be completed so quickly that everyone should have something before complaints start coming back that Oliver is lactose-intolerant, Grandpa didn’t want cake, and Isabella wanted peach ice cream, not pistachio.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.