DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 27 years old, and my parents recently told me that at 60 years old, they are getting a divorce.
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I am having a hard time with this because they have been married for 30 years, and when I was growing up, they seemed so in love.
I never saw this coming, and it feels like the foundation of my family has crumbled. I find myself questioning everything about their relationship and my upbringing. How did I miss the signs? Were they just putting on a facade for the sake of the family?
I feel betrayed and uncertain about what this means for my own perceptions of love and commitment. I am struggling to cope with the reality of my parents separating at a stage in their lives when I assumed they would be enjoying their golden years together.
I’m torn between wanting to understand the reasons behind their decision and respecting their need for privacy.
Should I confront them about my feelings and seek answers, or should I try to face this on my own?
— Family Split
DEAR FAMILY SPLIT: Your parents’ divorce affects more than just the two of them. You deserve to be able to talk to them and learn whatever you can about the end of their relationship.
They don’t have to tell you all of the details, but you can ask them to give you an understanding of what is happening and why it didn’t work out. It may take time for you to learn this information. Be patient.
You will now have to form new relationships with your parents as individuals. Learn what you can about them.
Cherish the positive memories, and live your life. Don’t be afraid to love, either. You are not your parents. You will plot your own course.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My elderly mom recently passed away and left my siblings and me a house filled to the brim with things to clean up.
My brother and sister refuse to help me clean everything up so we can sell the house.
The emotional toll of losing my mother is already overwhelming, and now the added stress of dealing with the estate cleanup alone is becoming too much to bear. I’ve tried discussing the importance of shared responsibility, but it seems my siblings are not willing to contribute their time and effort.
I feel stuck and frustrated, as I believe it’s fair for all of us to pitch in and share the burden of this difficult task.
How can I convince my brother and sister to participate in cleaning up the house and settling our mom’s affairs?
I want to ensure a smooth process during this challenging time, and I don’t want to fight with my family.
— Working Together
DEAR WORKING TOGETHER: You cannot force your siblings to help, but if there are financial resources available, you can pay a service to come in and clean your mother’s house. In this way, you aren’t stuck with the task.
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You risk losing memorabilia, but you may need to accept that.
Whatever costs you incur in the cleanup should be deducted from any proceeds after you sell her home.
One other incentive you can offer your siblings is for you to have a greater percentage of any money that comes from her estate. Check to see if you can legally enforce that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.