DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a situation where a girl with whom I had a one-night stand claims that I am the father of her child without confirming paternity through DNA testing.
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The possibility of being a father without concrete evidence is causing me great distress and confusion, and the emotional toll of this situation is weighing heavily on me. The thought of potentially being a father and the responsibilities that come with it are daunting, especially without conclusive proof, raising the fear of making life-altering decisions based on assumptions.
— Paternity Uncertainty
DEAR PATERNITY UNCERTAINTY: You do not have to feel bad about requiring a DNA test before proceeding. Tell this woman that all bets are off until there is proof that you are the father. Period.
This doesn’t make you a bad guy, by the way. It provides clarity.
There’s a lot for you to learn here. You already know one-night stands can be dangerous, especially if you have unprotected sex. Consider stopping that practice. Beyond that, prepare yourself to find a way to provide for this child if it is yours.
Whether or not you planned it, if the DNA matches yours, your responsibility is real.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in my late 50s, and all my children are in college or have recently graduated.
My life used to be a balancing act of taking care of my children and working. Now that my three children are all gone, I have a lot of free time. I’m at a loss because my entire identity seems to be consumed by the role of a mother, and I have no clue what to do with this newfound freedom.
The idea of filling my days without the constant demands of parenting is freeing but also a bit daunting.
How can I rediscover myself and find a new sense of purpose in this new stage of life? I’m struggling to find activities or interests that resonate with me and don’t make me feel silly for trying them this late.
What should I do to make this process less sad and difficult for me?
— Next Chapter
DEAR NEXT CHAPTER: This is a pivotal moment for you, and naturally it’s scary.
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Step back for a moment and examine your life. Other than your children, who are you close to? Friends? Family members? What hobbies or activities used to intrigue you? What interests you today?
You are going to have to make a big effort to figure this out. Look in your local newspaper or on community bulletin boards online to find highlights of the week and month. Schedule yourself to go to some of them. Reach out to people you haven’t communicated with in a while to get together. Consider joining a club or group of people who enjoy doing something you like.
At first, this may feel awkward, but over time if you stick with it, you will create a broader group of people with whom you can engage and build this next phase of your life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.