Dear Eric: A few months ago, I discovered I was not invited to my niece’s wedding this summer. She is the daughter of my only sibling.
I was told when I asked my sister if I needed to save the date. I have attended the weddings of my sister’s other two children.
I should include that I am an adult, in my early 60s, ASD Level 1. Most people would be familiar with the term high-functioning Asperger’s. ASD might make me awkward on occasion or lead to sensory disorder or discomfort in large groups, which I control by using strategies, but it would hopefully not have been part of the reason for my niece’s decision.
I was told by my sister that the wedding was “immediate family only.” The kicker is, it turns out it is not only immediate family because my two uncles will attend. My sister’s close friends are also attending.
I now have no desire to continue my relationship with my sister after learning this. The level of disrespect and dishonesty has left me feeling there would be no way to ever trust or feel emotionally safe around my sister.
Neither my sister nor I have been absent from each other’s children’s lives, and I thought I had a good relationship with my niece.
I am heartbroken. I question everything about what I thought our relationship was given how unkind this decision was. Also, money or limits on the number of invites was not a factor in the decision.
I need to take an extended break from my sister and her family. Am I obligated to explain why?
– Disposable Aunt
Dear Aunt: I am so sorry. This is awfully hurtful, unnecessarily so.
You’re worthy of being thought of, and, if not invited, at least told the truth directly. Your sister may have thought she was doing the kind thing by keeping most of this information from you, but as we’re seeing, intention and impact are not the same.
You don’t need to explain why you’re taking a break. Take the space you need to process this, to grieve it, and to talk to people you love and trust about what’s going on.
It’s important that you keep hearing the true message that this is not about who you are or how you show up in social situations.
I know that you’ve done a lot of work in your life to navigate being neurodivergent in a society that isn’t accommodating or understanding. Try to get back to a place of remembering that the work you’ve done is important because it helps you, not because it helps others tolerate you. You’re enough.
At a certain point, it will be useful to talk with your sister about how this situation affected you. Take the time you need to gather your thoughts and feelings on this. She won’t be able to undo what’s done, but it’s important that you’re heard.
Dear Eric: The question from “Confused Son” about his 80-something dad and stepmom’s new hesitation about accepting invitations touched my heart.
When I was in my 40s and 50s, my husband and I were in full-time careers, raising three kids, visiting colleges, attending school and social events, etc. I was very frustrated when I would ask my retired parents over for dinner a week ahead of time and they’d hem and haw. “Well, I have the cardiologist on Monday, and dad has the dentist Friday. We’re playing golf Thursday. I don’t know if we can make it Saturday.”
I was also confused.
Now we are retired, in our 70s and generally healthy. Our calendar is pretty full, with our medical appointments, my husband’s part-time job, babysitting commitments, yoga class and lunches I have with my friends. When I look at the calendar and see a day with nothing written on it, it brings a sense of joy and peace.
My husband and I laugh about how we used to get annoyed by my parents’ lack of availability. Your advice was spot-on.
– Happy to Do Nothing
Dear Happy: Thank you for your letter. I wanted to share it with the wider readership because it’s a great example of something that trips so many of us up sometimes: We don’t know what we don’t know.
But it also serves as a reminder that empathy for others, even if we don’t understand where they’re coming from, can open the door to a new understanding. I say it every now and then, but it bears repeating – everyone is the star of their own show.
We can’t always see the world from other people’s vantage points. But by being curious about what those around us are going through, and communicating with others, our world’s get bigger and our capacity for empathy grows.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.