Dear Amy: I work in a busy hair salon. I have many loyal customers and while they’re in the chair, we talk a lot and share personal information.
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I’ve gotten to know some of these clients very well, as they show me photos of their kids and spouses (and sometimes their pets).
Recently I was on an online site where people anonymously post items (with photos) detailing how they are “dating” someone who is cheating on a spouse or partner.
While scrolling through for my own weird entertainment, I saw a photo of the husband of my client “Julie.”
I’ve never met him but I know it is him because it is the exact same photo that Julie has shown me – of her husband standing at a horse farm. The posting was quite detailed and I believe it is legit.
Now that I’ve seen this, I can’t unsee it. I don’t know what to do.
I’m dreading seeing Julie for her next appointment.
Should I tell her I’ve seen this? Should I leave it alone because it’s really none of my business? Should I pack up my implements and move to another state?
– Only the Messenger
Dear Messenger: First, you should ask yourself if you would want to know if your partner was cheating on you.
I assume you would.
Would you want to be told face-to-face (or face-to-mirror) by your hair stylist?
I assume you would not.
Find a way to tell Julie anonymously.
You might be able to do this by taking a screenshot or a photo of the posting (or copying the link) and sending it to her from someone else’s phone, with a message saying something like, “Someone I know asked me to send this to you.”
Dear Amy: My dad died many years ago and his estate was handled solely by his widow.
It was a very difficult and tumultuous time for us, his children, as we watched her dismantle his entire life.
We were robbed of closure and of the experience of reliving all our memories as a family.
Eventually, I thought we had all healed.
My sister has, for the past few years, been digging up old records and bringing me into her world of conspiracy and legal vengeance concerning his death and estate.
I’ve told her before that I can’t go down this painfully emotional road with her but, if it’s what she needs to do, that I’d support her decision.
Recently, she tried again to drag me in, and I repeated that I still support her need, but I’ve moved on and don’t want to hear it.
She became very angry and said this isn’t what she had envisioned when I said I’d support her.
I’m afraid this may affect us for years to come.
How can I set clear boundaries and protect my own emotions while remaining empathetic, and heal our relationship?
– Tired and Defeated
Dear Tired: You have already set clear boundaries. This is a good choice for you, but it doesn’t mean that your sister will like your limits.
Your sister seems to want help, agreement, assent. But if you can’t offer these things (or don’t want to offer them), you can only repeat another version, gently stating, “I’m not judging you. I support your right to do whatever you want to do. I’m sorry that I’m not giving you all that you want, but I want to have a good sisterly relationship. I will always support you emotionally, and I always have your back, but I can’t help you with this.”
Emotionally supporting someone does not mean that you need to sign off on all of their choices.
Dear Amy: Regarding “Peeved Partner,” who was upset about her partner developing a relationship with his newest sex partner, you missed one piece of advice in your response: Both of them should be regularly checked for any signs of STDs immediately.
Their somewhat reckless sexual activity would seem to leave them and their random sex partners at risk.
– Fran in Catonsville
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Dear Fran: According to the question, only one of these partners (the husband) is having sex with multiple partners.
And because the arrangement was consensual and part of their relationship, I assumed that all of the people involved would be careful about their sexual health.
According to the CDC, from 2017 to 2021 overall reported STDs have increased by 7%. Most alarming is the increase in syphilis in newborns, who contract it from their mothers. Testing during pregnancy could help to prevent infection.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.