DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 10-year-old daughter has a group of four friends that she has been close with for a few years now.
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We all live in the same community, and the girls attend the same school and do the same extracurriculars. The families of the girls take turns hosting playdates in our homes or at public spaces.
I need your delicate advice, as one girl’s family has never hosted, anytime, anywhere! The daughter happens to be my daughter’s best friend in the group.
I was recently in an unexpected bind and asked the mother if she could watch my daughter for an hour the next day. She gave convoluted recommendations/solutions as to what I could do instead — no reason or excuse as to why she didn’t want to watch her.
Clearly she was avoiding having my daughter go to their home, making it very obvious that she is not welcome there. This hurt me, but I didn’t argue or express my disappointment. I haven’t had any communication with her since (about three weeks).
I don’t want to exclude her daughter from the girls’ playdates at my home; however, I don’t want to be perceived as a stooge and my hospitality taken advantage of.
I’m planning to host a playdate for the girls in the near future.
How do I politely communicate to this mother that her response to me at my one time of need was hurtful? And that her avoidance of hosting the group is impolite and unfair to the rest of us?
GENTLE READER: Is it possible that this mother had another reason for not wanting to host? Economic concerns, an unkempt house, unpredictable relatives, ferocious animals?
Of course, this does not excuse the fact that she is taking advantage of others’ hospitality without offering her own — as she could always host at a playground or other public space — but Miss Manners would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt before continuing to harbor resentment.
Or at least feigning so: “I wonder if you would be able to host the kids next time, if not at your home, then at the park or elsewhere.”
If she continues to refuse or deflect, a gentle “Is everything OK?” may be in order, or asking if your own daughter may be misbehaving.
But if none of that works, Miss Manners suggests that you continue to invite your daughter’s best friend over anyway, for your daughter’s sake. Eventually the children will get older and be able to navigate their own socially awkward and complicated plans.
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Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.