DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently discovered that my 20-year-old sister is adopted, and it has left me feeling shocked, confused and betrayed.
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I’m 25, and my parents never disclosed this information to me nor my sister. We lived our whole lives until now believing we were blood sisters. Our relationship hasn’t changed since the news came out, but it is still life-altering information.
If I’m feeling betrayed, I can’t imagine how my sister feels!
Her whole life, she thought that our parents were her blood relatives, but it turns out that some other people whom she has never met are her birth parents.
I’m struggling to trust my parents and wondering what else they might still be hiding from my sister and me. It feels like a significant part of my childhood is a lie.
How can I rebuild trust with my parents? How can my sister and I address the feelings of betrayal we’re experiencing?
— Dealing With Adoption
DEAR DEALING WITH ADOPTION: Do your best to focus on the love you all share with each other. Regardless of whose blood runs in your veins, your sister is your sister.
Try to forgive your parents for not figuring out how to tell you this tender truth sooner. They likely wanted to include her in the family rather than make her feel different. Their intentions were probably good.
Now can be the time to learn more from them about their decision and to rekindle the love between you. Consider thinking of this as protection rather than betrayal.
I doubt that your parents wanted to hurt either of you in any way. From that approach, you should be able to talk this out and learn. It won’t happen, though, if you are too judgmental.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend recently separated from her husband, and it is so sad.
I talk to her almost every day, and she is doing her best to stay strong, but it is hard for her.
It seems like many people are siding with her husband, mainly because he has a big mouth. He has been talking about her like a dog to anyone who will listen.
She is not that kind of person. She just wants to work things out and find a way forward, whatever that may be.
How can I support her without passing judgment or wearing myself out?
— In the Middle
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Be her best friend by continuing to be a good listener.
You cannot give her answers for what’s going on in her life, but your loving and attentive ear means everything to her right now. She needs someone she trusts to be there for her.
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When marriages break up, it is nearly impossible to get through it without plenty of anxiety and sensitivity. It’s best for you to say less and be consistently available when she needs you.
At the same time, be sure to carve out time to decompress and spend time with other people — just don’t talk about your friend’s life when you are not with her. Do your best to compartmentalize. In this way, you protect yourself and your friend’s privacy.
When you need a break from listening to her, tell her. That way it won’t seem like you are abandoning her when you step back for a bit.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.