Dear Eric: Several years ago, my husband and I befriended “Bob,” a young man struggling in the arts.
We gave him use of our guest house, regularly filled the fridge, paid for every restaurant meal, listened to his problems and provided whatever help we could.
Recently, Bob has hit the big time. He’s gotten great work, won awards and become relatively famous.
We’re so happy for him and remain close. He still uses the guest house when he’s in town.
In our success fantasies for him, we never expected him to thank us from the awards stage or invite us to meet his new, famous friends. But the dynamics of our relationship have not changed at all. He still has never picked up a check or even offered to pay his share. If he needs something in the guest house, he asks us to buy it on our next grocery trip.
This is annoying me more and more. But my husband is just grateful Bob hasn’t forgotten us. He thinks I’m being petty for holding onto my annoyance and that any mention of this will only succeed in driving our now-accomplished friend away.
We’re lucky enough to be able to afford this. But that’s not my point. Is there anything I can do to change Bob’s attitude? Or to change my own need to feel appreciated?
– Fame Adjacent
Dear Fame: I’m with you on this. It burns my biscuit that Bob hasn’t found ways to show his gratitude, And it’s especially annoying that he’s still sending you grocery lists.
It’s one thing to host someone at your guest house; it’s another to be thought of as a free bed and breakfast.
Now, Bob may be working under the impression that this is just how your friendship works. He may see it less as charity than as the give-and-take of this particular relationship. But it’s hard to square a give-and-take when it’s all take and no give.
Try smaller adjustments, like suggesting that you split the check next time you’re out or declining to pick up the groceries. With the latter, you might even want to ask about it. “I’ve noticed you often ask us to pick up items you need when you’re staying with us. Is there a reason for that?”
You’ll also want to ask yourself if this is just who Bob is. That doesn’t make it fair, but it may help you to recontextualize it so that it’s less annoying.
Dear Eric: Kate and I have been friends for more than 20 years. For a time, I would’ve almost considered us best friends. My husband considered her husband his best friend.
As years went by, Kate treated her husband so disrespectfully. Time went by and their children spoke to him terribly, too.
Unfortunately, he passed away unexpectedly 10 years ago. I talked to his coworkers, who said he had talked about how sad he was regarding his family life. I started slowly pulling away from Kate right before his death.
Soon after he died Kate used social media to ask for prayers as she tries to go through life without her best friend. She would post (and still does) memes about how she loves and misses him.
I’ve stopped communicating with her because I know the truth. I’ll get texts (after I ignore her calls) about getting together and have dinner or a girls’ night out. I have no interest in seeing her.
She’ll call or text my husband asking if anything is wrong and he responds that I’m busy or I’ll call her back. The texts are becoming more frequent. How do I explain that I no longer want to be friends?
– Former Friend
Dear Friend: Your friend was grieving, and you ghosted her.
This isn’t to say Kate’s disrespect to her husband was appropriate. But it’s possible that she did truly love him and is grieving his loss. Indeed, if she felt she treated him poorly in life, the grief may be coupled with guilt.
It’s also possible that her husband was sad about the state of his home life and also loved Kate.
You know a truth, but there are many truths that are possible here. You don’t have to change your mind about her, but after being friends with her for so long, you should grant her the courtesy of a direct conversation.
Talk with her about what changed for you. Try to use “I” statements as much as possible, as in “I felt disappointed when I heard …” Try not to slip into accusations – “You were disrespectful, and I don’t want to be your friend.”
You can’t solve the problem in her marriage, but you can illuminate what went wrong in your friendship. It may not lead to reconciliation, but it will grant you both closure.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.