A person has grown too ill to keep up with work and responsibilities, and their partner has grown frustrated.
Kacie Trimble/Sun-Times
Dear Ismael,
My fiancé and I have been together for 15 years; he’s never had his driver’s license. Thanks to coming from Chicago, he didn’t need it.
He drove when he was younger and got himself in trouble, unfortunately causing him to be unable to obtain one. When we met, I had no idea he didn’t have a driver’s license, given our age.
One day (we had only been together for a few months), we got pulled over, and he went to jail. After that, I became the designated driver, always reliable and available to him when need be.
We now moved states away, and I still am the only driver of our now growing family. I don’t mind it so much, except when things begin to get hectic. I must take our kids to school, take him to work, go to work myself, go to doctor appointments, pick up the kids, pick up my partner, run his errands, run my errands, take the kids to after-school activities and go grocery shopping. It’s all on me to drive.
I fell ill recently and became unable to work. I still drive him everywhere. Lately, he has become frustrated with my inability to work and the weight of this is weighing on me. It’s difficult to find a job that can accommodate the schedule I have with driving the family everywhere everyday and maintaining my treatment on top of this.
My question to you is: Am I wrong for feeling like I have a full-time job already?
— Reliable and Always Willing in the Suburbs
Dear Reliable,
You’re gonna get me in trouble. I’m very passionate about speaking against grown and capable people who like to be babied by their partner. That’s how I start all the fights when I go back home.
You’re not wrong for feeling that way. How dare he be frustrated with you? The audacity!
But let me back up a bit, and approach this with calm and clarity. Coincidentally, I have experience with this complicated ordeal, but — thankfully — in a more short-term way.
A family member of mine went to prison for repeated drunken driving. When he got out we had to drive him to work, pick him up and then take him to group therapy sessions in the evening that were required for him to get his driving privileges back. He also had an ankle monitor, so there were very strict times he had to be taken back home.
The difference between that situation and yours is we knew it was temporary and — by going through the right channels — he would eventually drive again.
Instead of investing your time in keeping him happy and comfortable, look for ways he can gain his independence — whether that’s by saving up to pay a fine or getting legal help to pave the way to getting his driver’s license.
If we are better off keeping him off the road, there’s always carpooling or dropping him off somewhere he can catch public transportation that can get him close to work.
I understand — trust me — that at your core, you do it because you love being there for your family, and letting them figure stuff out on their own might seem cruel. But you — and your fiancé — need to start thinking about your health.
And this goes for most people. Let your partner figure out how to pay a bill, make them handle registering your kids to a new school or simply make them drive. They will be fine.
Growing old together sounds great. But not if your partner stays a baby.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.