Hot off the heels of the polarizing Netflix special ‘The Roast of Tom Brady’, it only seems a matter of time before more athletes are featured. The Los Angeles Lakers have no shortage of interesting personalities to feature and the list of potential roastmasters is intriguing.
A roast is a comedic event meant to honor someone by essentially making fun of them, oftentimes in a way that looks at controversial events from their past. The roastee is always in on the joke and ultimately it’s meant to be entertaining and not intentionally hurtful. There is a roastmaster (host) and a group of people who do the roasting of the featured guest as well as each other (dais).
Recently, roasts have been done mostly by actors and comedians, but athletes are not new to this space. Shaquille O’Neal, Emmitt Smith and Terry Bradshaw are notable athletes who have had the honor of being insulted in front of their friends and family in the name of comedy.
For the sake of this exercise, we’ll only choose living members to participate. The roastee must have played for the Lakers, but the roastmaster and dais members need to have been connected in some way. We’ll have one roastee, one roastmaster and one featured dais member.
Lakers Roast No. 1
Roastee: Magic Johnson
Roastmaster: Larry Bird
Dais: Bill Laimbeer
The Lakers, Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons crossed paths throughout the 1980’s, sparking heated rivalries that caused a lot of intense confrontations. With Bird being historically noted as one of the best trash talkers in NBA history, he’s the perfect choice as roastmaster. Laimbeer was always an instigator and seeing him verbally jab at Magic and Bird is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Lakers Roast No. 2
Roastee: Pat Riley
Roastmaster: Phil Jackson
Dais: Danny Ainge
They might not have had as fiery of a rivalry as others on this list, but Riley and Jackson are forever linked and compared due to their success with the franchise. I’m sure they could roast each other based on style choices alone. Ainge fits as a long-time Riley nemesis who competed against Riley in a number of different ways, from on the court to in the executive suites. Their beef is documented, all the way down to spite signings.
Lakers Roast No. 3
Roastee: LeBron James
Roastmaster: Michael Jordan
Dais: Kevin Garnett
GOAT vs. GOAT. The LeBron vs. MJ debates have been raging for over a decade as this point, why not hear some of the arguments from the men themselves? Throw in a salty KG, who was blessed enough to compete against both and the scene is set for what would be must-see TV. Garnett would likely side with Jordan, and I’d pay to see the look on Jordan’s face when Garnett mentions how he “broke LeBron.”
Lakers Roast No. 4
Roastee: Dwight Howard
Roastmaster: Shaquille O’Neal
Dais: Anthony Davis
There can only be one Superman. Dwight and Shaq have expressed their distaste for each other for as long as they’ve been around the NBA, mostly due to the fact that Shaq felt like Dwight was stealing his schtick. They never played together, and Shaq has publicly said he just expected a lot out of Dwight. Davis famously had to be separated Dwight during a sideline altercation that may have ultimately sent Dwight to Taiwan. There’s also that one embarrassing all-star moment.
Lakers Roast No. 5
Roastee: Karl Malone
Roastmaster: Vanessa Bryant
Dais: Isiah Thomas
OK, I know these are generally supposed to honor the roastee, and Malone has had plenty of incidents that don’t deserve honoring, but I’d just love to see this roast. When Malone played with the Lakers, he famously had a standing offer to fight Kobe Bryant over allegations he flirted with Bryant’s widow. Thomas once received between 40-42 stitches from Malone that resonated so much that Kenyon Martin delivered a receipt years later.
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