The Guardian is basically the only British newspaper regularly questioning what the hell is going on with the Windsors. It’s mostly being done by Guardian columnists, but still. Recently, the Guardian published an extremely accurate column about the Sussexes’ trip to Jamaica, and how Harry and Meghan really could have been Britain’s best ambassadors, mostly because Meghan is “soft power dynamite.” Especially in comparison to diplomatic “kryptonite” William and Kate. Late last year, as Omid Scobie’s Endgame was making waves and there was a new round of “royal racism” talk, Zoe Williams wrote a funny piece in the Guardian about how the Windsors are “simply not in the intellectual shape to fight” accusations of racism. Well, Williams is back with her take on Prince William’s extremely bad performance at the BAFTAs, an organization for which he has served as president for fourteen years.
Actors know how to pose: The photos – all those magnificent faces that only actors know how to make – the “I’m so surprised to have won on this completely unsurprising occasion” face; the “of course I don’t mind not winning, the winner who won is, by happy chance, much more important to me than myself” face; the knowing side-eye, the straight-down-the-lens candour, the beaming sincerity. These are faces only the pros can make perfect. If the rest of us tried any of them, we’d look like we just got caught shoplifting.
And then there’s William: And into this Bafta array, as its president, steps Prince William. This job was not really optional for him. The only time in the organisation’s history that it hasn’t been led by a member of the royal family is when it was Richard Attenborough, who is like royal-plus. William, grinning at the rising stars Phoebe Dynevor, Ayo Edebiri, Sophie Wilde and Mia McKenna-Bruce, hits the summit of his endearing awkwardness. In the great schism of the princes, in which all right-thinking Britons were supposed to pick a side, everyone who chose the elder and who was not motivated by fervour against the wokerati, misogynoir or keenly felt anti-Americanism was really responding to William’s self-consciousness.
William can’t even do the bare bones of the job: But it’s just so relatable. Which of us hasn’t smiled a little too widely, in anxiety, and then suddenly found in the moment that using all those muscles is surprisingly taxing, and then forgotten what we were going to say, and, oh, hell, now the terror is in our eyes, that’s not going to help, and now we’ve forgotten our name, all we can remember is that we had one job, for which we’ve been preparing all our lives, which is to be able to talk and smile, if not simultaneously, at least in quick succession?
Rictus grin formations: OK, that’s two jobs. But which of us hasn’t felt like that? A body language expert told me recently that King Charles is always playing with his cufflinks and Prince Harry is always buttoning the button that’s already buttoned. These are self-comforting moves to deal with social anxiety. But Prince William is off the scale, seeking comfort in rictus grin formations that most evolved humans don’t know how to activate any more, having last used them trying to make peace with a cheetah.
Yes, this was an entire column devoted to William’s awkwardness. He’s remarkably charisma-free and incapable of simply standing with a group of actors and making small talk. That’s it – he can’t do it. It reminds me a bit of when they sent Prince Edward and Sophie to the Royal Variety show and Sophie was incredibly rude to comedian Frank Skinner, who had simply donated his time for a good cause. William was blundering around at the BAFTAs, telling people he didn’t watch any of their films and suggesting that an actress had a lot of “fun” on a film where her character is raped. He’s just… deeply incapable.
Photos courtesy of Avalon Red.