DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a university professor and a woman in her early 30s. I was attending a talk and arrived late. The only place to sit was a small couch, big enough to seat two (or perhaps three, but it would be a tight fit).
A male graduate student arrived a few minutes later. He sat down and stretched out on the couch, putting an arm on the back behind me.
This felt incredibly inappropriate and overly familiar — we don’t know each other at all, although he knows I’m a professor because I was part of an introduction session at his graduate orientation.
I worried that it undermined my authority with my colleagues and students. I gave him a look to make it clear I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he removed his arm briefly before putting it back up. I ended up whispering sharply to him, “Do you mind?”
He removed his arm then, but I was left thinking about it and wondering if I could have made the point more politely. What would you recommend? Or was I making too big of a deal of this?
GENTLE READER: Since your more subtle indications were ignored, a sharper second attempt, Miss Manners believes, was warranted.
This student’s manspread/arm-across-the-chair combo was cheeky and presumptuous. Since he did it twice, it is hard to believe that it was unintentional. But even if it had been, as a student, he would do well to learn that optics are important, no matter the intent.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a co-worker whom I had not seen in 25 years.
The nature of our jobs did not require much interaction, and I considered her an acquaintance rather than a personal friend.
We acknowledged each other by name, then she immediately commented, “You look different.”
I managed a weak joke about my gray hair; however, I felt the comment was rude and insulting. Unfortunately, I was stuck in an elevator with this person and had to continue the awkward conversation until we reached our destination.
I believe that one should refrain from making a comment about someone’s appearance, especially someone they hardly know. You do not know their circumstances and risk treading on an individual’s privacy.
Do you think her remark was rude? How would you suggest replying to a practical stranger saying that you look different than you did 25 years ago?
GENTLE READER: “Well, yes, it’s been 25 years. I’m sure we both do.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always considered the phrase “You can come if you want to” — as in, “I’m having a party and you can come if you want to,” or, “We’re getting together for lunch and you can come if you want to” — to be an insult.
In these cases, it sounds like I am just an afterthought and not really wanted. If the person wanted me to be there, they should say “Please come” or “Please join us.” What are your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That you can decline if you want to.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.