DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to the wedding of a very good friend’s son. When I went online to RSVP, it said, “Attire: evening cocktail — slacks, cocktail dresses, jackets, etc.”
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We never wear that kind of clothing, even to funerals. We always look nice, though! We don’t want to spend money on clothing that we will never wear again, or that is just not us. Ever.
How do I decline the invite without offending/hurting my friend or her son?
GENTLE READER: “I am sorry, but unfortunately, we will not be able to attend.”
Miss Manners would suggest this be written in a letter and not a text or social media posting, but she does not wish to be chastised for an effort that is just not you. Ever.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In conversation with an acquaintance, I mentioned the early arrival times required at airports, and said that I enjoy using that time to relax and people-watch.
Her response was a horrible, derogatory comment about watching “ugly fat people.” She added that “all they have to do is eat less.”
I was shocked, not knowing how to respond. After several seconds, I simply said “Ouch!” and changed the subject.
But I realized I don’t know how to respond to prejudicial comments. I believe silence suggests you agree, and I don’t want to suggest I agree with hateful, ignorant statements.
GENTLE READER: In this case, you might have said, “Oh! Surely you don’t think I’m that mean-spirited!” and changed the subject.
The equivalent: “I do not share your sentiment” is a handy all-purpose disclaimer for offensive or prejudiced statements. But Miss Manners further suggests that you find a better quality of acquaintances.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend, “Chloe,” who asked if I happened to know her friend “Nicole.” I said that I did know Nicole.
Chloe then stated, “Nicole is the best, isn’t she?”
I smiled wanly and nodded. I know Nicole to be a gossip and a liar who will skewer someone the moment their back is turned.
Chloe sensed my lack of enthusiasm and went on, at length, about how wonderful Nicole is. Again, I smiled politely and simply said, “That’s great.”
Chloe looked puzzled, but dropped the subject.
Is there a better way I could have handled the situation? I have no desire to gossip about Nicole, but I also didn’t want to pretend to adore someone whom I’ve personally witnessed being cruel for sport.
GENTLE READER: If you had said anything more than that, you might have run the risk of it getting back to Nicole. Miss Manners assures you that you should consider yourself lucky that Chloe showed discretion and stopped pushing.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a compliment to the corporate office of a local restaurant about a specific employee.
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This employee thanked me and said to ask for her next time I came in, so she could give me a free meal.
I do not want her to think I paid her a compliment to get something for free, but should I take the offer anyway?
GENTLE READER: If it makes you feel better, you may tell her what you told Miss Manners. But accept the free meal graciously — and appreciate the rare exchange of two well-meaning humans being kind to each other. Just do not ruin the good feelings by forgetting to tip.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.