DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I moved to a new neighborhood, and our neighbors have been really friendly, dropping by to introduce themselves.
One of our neighbors really likes to talk and comes over a little more frequently. One night, he rang the doorbell at 9 p.m. just as we were sitting down to a late dinner (we had been painting all day). He was bringing us some oranges from his tree. He chatted with us for about 10 minutes and then left.
After he was gone, I started wondering: Are we supposed to always invite our neighbors inside when they come over?
We’re still unpacking, our house is far from tidy and sometimes when they stop by, it’s at an inconvenient time. At the same time, I don’t want to be considered rude.
GENTLE READER: You cannot reasonably be expected to receive uninvited guests — particularly after a recent move — so there is nothing wrong with accepting the oranges and saying, “We look forward to being able to have you over when we are unpacked and ready for guests.”
Miss Manners is only relieved that your neighbor also had the good manners — and situational awareness — to leave after 10 minutes. She was afraid, when you mentioned the time, that your question was going to be how to perform a polite eviction.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are frequently invited to another couple’s parties. We are all gay, male seniors.
One member of this couple seems to be going through some cognitive issues. He tells everyone assembled the same lengthy jokes and goes on and on about his religious and political views, always offending some present.
We have run out of excuses to skip these parties, and sometimes just attend for an hour or two, mostly out of compassion for his husband. He presents a lovely buffet and must be struggling with his husband’s challenges. We bring a gift on the few times we attend.
We don’t want to tell the husband why we would rather not attend future parties for fear of being cruel. My husband and I are disabled and not able to entertain. Even if we could, having them over would end up driving us to distraction, divorce or worse.
Do you have any ideas on a better way to handle all of this? Are we boors for not reciprocating?
GENTLE READER: Someone evidently told you it would be a virtue to be honest with your hosts about why you dread their parties, but it was not Miss Manners. She is relieved that you have not done so.
It would not only be cruel, it would be rude and self-serving — assuming it was meant to justify your feeling good about staying home. Spelling out the issue would also be pointless, as the unimpaired spouse is only too aware of the impact his partner’s behavior is having on their social life.
The virtue is in what you are doing: namely, putting up with as much of the behavior as you can, because you feel for one spouse and believe the behavior of the other is beyond his control.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.