DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I be “presentable” when sitting out on the back deck of our townhouse?
It is only visible from two of our neighbors’ backyards. One of these yards is never frequented; the other occasionally has someone visible.
I like to sit on the deck in my housecoat and sandals. Should I be more fully dressed?
GENTLE READER: A housecoat and sandals sound pretty tame compared to the states of undress so often flaunted in full neighborly view. As long as you are reasonably covered, Miss Manners cares less about what is actually covering you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a widowed woman with enough money to live on comfortably. Most of my friends are in a similar position, financially.
I have many friends, including many couples, with whom I frequently socialize. Often that means dinner together at a nice restaurant.
In the seven years since my husband passed, I have found that the husband in whatever couple I’m dining with often offers to pay for my dinner. I try to politely decline, but much of the time he insists.
I appreciate the kindness, but I resent the implication that a woman alone cannot afford to pay for her own meals. Even more important, though, is the idea that if he pays for me, it becomes an expensive outing for his wife and him, and they will be reluctant to attend future dinners if they feel obligated to pay.
In addition, if I am with someone who I think will try to pay, it limits what I can comfortably order, so as to minimize the expense. It’s almost like ordering carefully on a first date, except without the expected future benefits.
I’d rather have their company than a free meal. How do I politely help them understand that?
GENTLE READER: And by expected future benefits, Miss Manners is going to presume you mean subsequent dates. Not the thing we all really think you mean.
The polite way to help your friends understand the inconvenience and embarrassment they are inflicting upon you by offering to buy your dinner would be to reciprocate. Invite them out yourself or insist on taking turns.
The way to phrase it is, “You have been so generous taking me out in the past. This time it is my turn.”
Not “I’m perfectly capable of paying for myself. When you do it, I can’t have lobster!”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are some polite, humble alternatives to “I may be wrong, but …”?
I find myself increasingly defaulting to this phrase when, as far as I can tell, I’m not wrong. Usually the context is that something looked off to me, so I went and double-checked and found that, yes, it was off, and the issue then needed a follow-up.
What are some good alternatives I can use that don’t point the finger at me, especially for a work context?
GENTLE READER: “I believe …,” “I could double-check, but …,” or “Unless I’m missing something …”
While pointing a finger at others can be tempting, turning it toward oneself is more gracious. Particularly, Miss Manners might add, in the perhaps unlikely event that you are actually wrong.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.