DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you say to someone who says they were going to give you something, “but …”?
Two things that have actually happened to me:
1. I came home and my mom said, “By the way, are you hungry? I did cook you some dinner, but I ate it.”
2. I met a friend for lunch and she said, “Did you know I hosted a tea party? I thought about inviting you, but I didn’t.”
In both instances, it would’ve been better if nothing had been said. I would’ve been none the wiser.
In both instances, I said nothing in response. What would Miss Manners have said?
GENTLE READER: “I’m thinking about thanking you, but I probably won’t.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am undergoing chemotherapy treatment. Several times, when asked how I am feeling, I have mentioned some side effects from chemo — only to be answered with, “Don’t you think that’s just your age?”
These are not symptoms that normally happen as people get older. Why do people feel that they have to offer an alternative explanation as to why someone feels bad?
Another time, while having lunch with friends, I had to get up twice to go to the bathroom. When I returned to the table the second time, one of the people asked me, “Do you have a problem?”
Really! What is wrong with people?
GENTLE READER: No filters, for one thing. People feel they must say something, even to the extent of monitoring one’s number of bathroom trips.
But Miss Manners acknowledges that there is also the less blameworthy impulse to offer comfort — not just sympathy — when there is no real comfort to be offered. That is why the afflicted are bombarded with amateur medical advice and bogus silver linings.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some relatives and I were told of a baby shower for a distant cousin. No formal invitations were sent; we were invited by word of mouth and received a gift registry link by text message.
After that, some of us received an invitation via text, while others did not.
No one in the family really knows the couple, who live out of state. They will not even be present at the shower: We are told they are attending “virtually.”
When the couple visited our state several months ago, they did not have time to meet any extended family members, nor attend another baby shower in person at that time.
We feel like this shower is just a tacky gift-grab. Do we have to attend? Do we have to send a gift?
GENTLE READER: Why do you even ask?
Miss Manners finds it curious that people who are presumably inured to scams from strangers are intimidated when it comes to social connections, however tenuous.
Why would you want to give presents to people you hardly know, and who have shown no interest in knowing you? Are you afraid that if you ignore their gift demands, they will turn you over to a collection agency?
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.