DEAR HARRIETTE: I owe a friend a sizable amount of money, and it is time to pay — but I don’t have it.
It’s not because I am being negligent. I have been out of work for an extended period of time. The bills have been piling up, and I don’t have any money.
That doesn’t change the fact that I owe this friend money. I have been dodging him for weeks now, but that’s not like me.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t face their responsibilities. What do I say to my friend when I can’t cough up a check?
— In Debt
DEAR IN DEBT: Tell your friend the truth. Apologize for not being able to honor your commitment to pay them back at this time.
Make it clear that it is not your intention to miss the deadline to pay them back. Explain your circumstances — namely, that you are still out of work without any means of earning money at this time. Promise to begin paying them back the moment you start earning money again.
Look for different sources of income, too. Check to see if there is any government assistance that can help you in the short term. Look for jobs outside your area of expertise. Don’t give up.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going through a tough time emotionally. My mom is in hospice care, which means she is nearing the end of her life.
We are very close. It is obvious that she has a limited time to live, but it’s still hard to witness.
When I talk to friends about it, I realize that most people don’t listen.
I have called my closest friends just to be able to share with them, and inevitably they will jump in with advice or a story of their own — without taking the time to hear what I am saying. I know that people do this, and usually I just go along and let them interrupt me, sometimes getting back to whatever I was saying and sometimes not, but I am not inclined to allow this butting in right now.
I have pushed back a bit, asking them to let me finish my point before they jump in. A couple of friends have been taken aback because I don’t normally do that.
Am I wrong to stand up for myself and ask my friends to listen for a change?
— Shut Up and Listen
DEAR SHUT UP AND LISTEN: Many people are bad listeners. Plus, out of love for you and discomfort about the situation, some automatically try to figure out solutions to whatever problems they are hearing and rush to offer support.
In reality, the support you need is a compassionate listening ear, not words — at least not immediately.
It is perfectly OK for you to speak up and say what you need. When they jump in to offer advice before you have completed a sentence, stop them and say, “Wait a minute. Let me finish my thought, please.”
If they jump in with advice on how to handle a situation and that’s not what you need, tell them what you need most is for them to listen. You don’t have the capacity to hear their advice right now.
You will also likely find that some friends are not the best people to contact right now. Those who cannot or will not be willing to just be present for you are not the ones to engage at this tender moment.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.