DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friendship that feels very one-sided. I am there for him, but when I need him, he is usually unavailable.
That’s so weird because right now he’s out of work. Yet, too often I find myself reaching out and waiting hours or even days before he hits me back.
He says that’s just how he is: He doesn’t always look at his phone or some such excuse.
On the flip side, if he needs me, I always pick up the phone and do my best to respond quickly.
I’m beginning to feel used. When I say something about it, he acts like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. He says I’m exaggerating.
How can I get him to understand how I’m feeling and be more attentive?
— Iced Out
DEAR ICED OUT: Read the tea leaves. This person is not showing you the love and attention that you want.
Stop trying to make him do more for you. Let go. Seriously!
Stop responding immediately when he reaches out to you. He doesn’t deserve to have your undivided attention if he cannot offer you the same.
That being said, you should know that some people really are less engaged with their devices than others. You can’t force him to look at his phone more often, but you can temper your own expectations about how quickly he’ll notice a text.
Pleading with him to be more present only looks like desperation, and that is a guaranteed repellent.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the mother of a wonderful, bright and kindhearted 10-year-old daughter who is autistic.
She is creative and has a deep passion for animals and art, but she struggles with social interactions. Making friends has never been easy for her, and now that she’s in a new school, it seems even harder.
She tells me often that other kids don’t understand her or that she feels left out. She wants friends but doesn’t always pick up on social cues, and I worry that she might be getting unintentionally excluded.
It breaks my heart to see her come home disappointed when she tries to join in but isn’t welcomed.
I try to encourage my daughter and give her advice, but I can tell she’s starting to feel discouraged. I want to help her build friendships without making her feel like she needs to change who she is.
How can I help her through these social issues?
— Need a Friend
DEAR NEED A FRIEND: Speak to your child’s teacher and guidance counselor for starters. Find out if they have any support at school for children who are not quick to make friends. Some schools offer accommodations to help students ease into life in and outside the classroom.
Don’t rely solely on school, though. Foster relationships with other people in your child’s life. If she has cousins or neighbors who enjoy spending time with her, set up playdates. If there are children in her class she likes, invite them over to play, thereby creating a more intimate setting in which to bond.
Consider working with a therapist to help your child develop a keener sense of human dynamics as she continues to grow. For more ideas on making friends, visit learnbehavioral.com/blog/five-steps-to-help-your-child-with-autism-make-friends.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.