DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m 28 years old, and ever since my husband and I got married two years ago, my in-laws have been pressuring us to have children.
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Despite my career as a software engineer, which they know about, they continually make remarks about starting a family and emphasize not waiting too long.
While my husband verbally supports my career goals and dismisses his parents’ comments, I can sense his subtle desire to have children, making our conversations about this topic uncomfortable.
How can I respectfully handle this pressure from my in-laws while maintaining my career focus and addressing my husband’s unspoken feelings? Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated.
— Family Expectations
DEAR FAMILY EXPECTATIONS: First, get in alignment with your husband. Have you two talked about having children and when you want to do that?
The fact that you are focused on your career is fine, but the two of you should have a plan for if or when you want to start a family. When you are in alignment, it will be easier to speak to your in-laws.
I remember my in-laws giving me a decorative picture frame for a baby’s room as a wink-wink encouragement to have a child early on in my marriage. I didn’t respond to it.
When we finally did have a child 10 years later, my husband’s 92-year-old grandmother told me, “You took long enough.” I understood her desire to know our child, but we wanted to have a child on our terms, not anyone else’s.
Form a united front with your husband. It will make your life easier.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very introverted, and I find it challenging to find my footing when I’m in group settings.
I recently moved to a new city and have been trying to build up my social network, but I’m struggling to make genuine connections because of my introversion.
When I am one-on-one with a person, I feel more comfortable, but as soon as another person gets added to the mix, I become the third wheel. I often find myself on the sidelines, watching everyone else interact without participating in the conversations.
It feels like everyone around me effortlessly engages in jokes and storytelling; meanwhile, I struggle to insert myself into the flow of conversation. By the time I think of something to say, the topic has usually changed, and I miss my chance to contribute. This leaves me feeling isolated and somewhat invisible, despite being physically present.
I want to break out of my shell and find ways to engage more confidently in group interactions.
Is introversion something that I can change about myself, or is it something that may stay with me forever?
— Don’t Want To Be Introverted
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DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE INTROVERTED: I have spoken to a number of people who consider themselves to be introverts who have “overcome” their inability to engage in the ways that concern you.
One successful CEO told me that she prepares in advance so that she has a few key topics she wants to discuss when she is speaking with others in social settings. That helps her not to be flat-footed in awkward moments.
She also admits that she uses a tremendous amount of energy to be engaging when in the company of others and needs quiet recovery time later. When she allows time for being still and alone, she is able to collect energy for the next social engagement.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.