DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having roommate troubles and could really use some advice.
My roommate refuses to buy any of the shared household items in our apartment, like trash bags, dish soap, paper towels and cleaning supplies.
At first, I didn’t think much of it, but over time, I’ve realized that I’m always the one restocking these essentials, and she never contributes.
She and her boyfriend frequently cook elaborate meals in our kitchen, leaving behind a sink full of dishes and an overflowing trash can. They use up the supplies I buy without replacing them, and it’s starting to feel really unfair.
I’ve tried to hint at the situation by mentioning when we’re out of things, but she either ignores it or waits for me to buy them again.
I don’t want to be passive-aggressive, but I also don’t want to keep footing the bill for everything. How can I address this issue without creating tension in our living situation?
— Taking Advantage
DEAR TAKING ADVANTAGE: Now is the time to be strong and clear. You have to tell your roommate directly that she has to contribute to household costs and chores.
Point out that she has never purchased any of the items that are shared for the apartment. Additionally, she doesn’t clean up after herself — and it’s worse when the boyfriend is there. Tell her that her disregard for you and your shared space has to end.
If you think she’d be amenable (and would actually follow through), offer to buy the items and let her reimburse you.
Don’t worry about creating tension; it’s already there. Stand up for yourself and kindly require that she do her part.
If she refuses, stop sharing the items. Stash them among your possessions (under lock and key if necessary), and pull them out only as you need them. When she has no toilet paper on an ongoing basis, she will probably get the message!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just read your response to “TV Addict,” the letter-writer who was obsessed with watching television. I think there’s more to the solution than simple self-determination.
For a long time, I also watched TV all day, and what it was about was avoidance of what was going on in my real life. I watched TV to forget that work wasn’t going well or that I was lonely.
My suggestion to the writer is to look inward and assess your life to see what’s causing you to want to live in other people’s stories instead of your own. Maybe the writer needs to work on developing friendships, seeing a therapist or creating a social calendar, for example.
I always appreciate your columns and get a lot of joy out of reading them.
— Been There
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for your thoughtful response to a problem that has become chronic in our culture. There is even a name for it: binge watching.
Your deeper point is important to contemplate. Why are so many of us fixated on TV, video games, social media, etc. rather than fully living our lives? Food for thought!
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.