DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I recently got into a huge fight, and I’m still feeling upset about it.
During our argument, he called me privileged, and it really struck a nerve. I’ve worked hard for everything I have in life.
I grew up in a small town with parents who loved me deeply but didn’t have much to their name. I put myself through school, worked multiple jobs and have been intentional about building the life I want. To be accused of being privileged felt so unfair and dismissive of everything I’ve accomplished.
The fight started when I mentioned I was planning a vacation to Vietnam. I did some research about the country and the places I’d like to visit, but I’ll admit I could have gone deeper.
My boyfriend called me out on this and said it was privileged of me to travel to a foreign country without doing proper research or fully understanding its culture, history or people.
While I see his point that preparation is important, especially when visiting a place so different from my own background, it felt like his tone was more critical than constructive. Instead of encouraging me to learn more, it came across as an attack on my character and my values.
How can I address this with him without getting defensive?
— Not Privileged
DEAR NOT PRIVILEGED: Sit down with your boyfriend and admit that you should have done more research for your trip to Vietnam, and thanks to his observations, you will.
Add that his tone disturbed you; rather than being supportive, he seemed to be judgmental. Tell him that it hurt your feelings.
Let him know that rather than being privileged, you consider yourself self-sufficient. Describe your upbringing and how you got to where you are today. Point out that while nothing has come easy for you, you are enormously grateful for all that you have been able to accomplish thus far.
Tell him you would appreciate his support — without the attack.
He may get defensive at first, but stand your ground. If he is to be your partner, he needs to understand what kind of support you need.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always been curious about my family’s history, so I began researching my relatives online.
Starting with Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms, I have uncovered fascinating details about my ancestors. However, the sheer volume of information quickly became overwhelming, and many records are incomplete or contradictory. This has made it difficult for me to piece everything together accurately.
I dream of creating a detailed family tree, but I struggle to organize my findings and verify their accuracy. I need guidance to simplify the process and confidently explore my family’s heritage.
— Family Tree Frustrations
DEAR FAMILY TREE FRUSTRATIONS: The good news is that there’s a ton of support out there that should help you research your family’s history.
Gather all of the documentation you have so that you are organized, and then look into some of the available tools, such as the National Archive, which has step-by-step instructions on how to find legal documents to support learning more about your family history.
You can also find bloodline information from ancestry.com. This resource has amassed a wealth of information about people that has helped families find each other across the world.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.