Dear Eric: I am a 76-year-old man. My best friend is a woman who is 75.
Her son and daughter-in-law have an 11-year-old and two little children under 3. The son very frequently asks her to provide child care for overnights and weekends. They are very active and seem to always have plans for ski and bike trips, hiking and camping trips, and out-of-town concerts and visits with friends.
Although my friend is pretty active and we enjoy outings ourselves, we are often not able to do the things we want to do because she gets scheduled to provide child care.
She loves to spend time with her grandchildren but overnight and weekend visits with two very young kids are very physically demanding and exhausting for her. Because of a prior serious injury to her shoulder, lifting and carrying her grandkids is also very difficult and stressful for her.
She seems to be unable to say no to this level and frequency of child care because she is afraid she might end up not being able to see her grandkids at all.
I think her son and daughter-in-law are more interested in having fun than taking responsibility for the care of their children. They seem to me to frequently take advantage of her. I don’t think they consider their impact on my friend’s abilities and limitations or her desire to do other things that she enjoys.
I try to keep my opinions to myself, with difficulty. Do you have suggestions on how to limit her son’s frequent requests for extended child care?
– Concerned for Overworked Friend
Dear Concerned: Loath as I am to offer secondhand advice to those who haven’t asked for it, if she wants to make some changes there are some options.
She may want to start setting limits on how and how long she provides child care. Maybe overnights need to be phased out, or she might need to decline more. She can talk with her son and daughter-in-law about her desire to remain an active part of their lives while recognizing the ways her capacity is changing.
You can offer these as suggestions to her, but this has to be her doing and her decision.
I wonder if some of the frustration you’re feeling on her behalf is more solidly rooted in not getting all that you want from this friendship. That’s fine to feel, but you’d be doing her and yourself a disservice by presenting her with another problem to solve, rather than supporting her as she works through this.
As her best friend, it’s possible that you know her son and daughter-in-law and their kids. If that’s the case, you might offer to help her with child care. This is obviously dependent on the parents’ comfort level and should be discussed. But, if it works for everyone involved, you may be able to lighten your friend’s load while also getting the quality time with her you both want.
Dear Eric: I lost my oldest, beautiful, intelligent daughter five years ago at 38 years young. She left behind two young sons and a spouse.
Her death ultimately stemmed from alcoholism; however, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and eventually her body shut down organ by organ.
I’m often faced with the tough question “How many kids do you have?” I have three kids; two are alive and one is not. I believe she is in heaven and at peace from her awful addiction.
If I say I have two kids, it usually avoids further discussion, but it’s not the truth.
Over the years, I’ve answered different ways (depending on who is asking) but most times it feels really awkward — especially when the other person is just being friendly and inquires further about grandkids and who they belong to, etc.
Do you have a magical answer?
– Mother of Three
Dear Mother: I’m very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish I had a magical answer for you, but in its place, I’ll humbly offer a human one: It depends on where the awkwardness is coming from.
If you feel awkward when you answer that you have three kids, that could be your heart’s way of asking you to be gentle with yourself. You may not want to be vulnerable with this particular person nor wish to answer further questions.
But if the awkwardness is coming from others, I’d encourage you to tell the true answer and let them deal with their own feelings about it.
I get it – people can be strange about death, even though it is a part of every life, many times over. But if you’re getting the feeling that you’re adding something too heavy to a casual conversation, please put that feeling to the side. It helps everyone when we show up fully ourselves.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.