Dear Eric: I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years. After my last trip to see his family (where one of his siblings had a screaming/cursing meltdown in our hotel lobby), I said I was done spending thousands of dollars for travel to people who clearly didn’t appreciate it.
He agreed. For the last five years he’s been flying to see his family solo. I’ve been staying home with the pup quite happily.
Now one of his half-siblings is getting married. Husband would like to renegotiate our prior agreement as he says he needs support to even be around his own family for this “can’t-miss occasion.”
We both have complicated familial history and have individual therapists. I want to support my spouse, but not to the detriment of my own mental health. Over the last two decades, these in-laws have been horrible toward me for simply being an outsider.
I quite literally had to ask if security would be present because of all the bad blood that will be in the same room (bad blood that was present before I came along).
I loathe the thought of having to be around these people. I want to be a good partner, but I also realize this trip will be beyond miserable for me.
How do I make myself and everyone else happy? Or do I have a husband problem?
– Should I Stay or Should I Go
Dear Go: Short answers: Stay home; husband has a family problem, which is not yours to fix.
I’m curious what makes this trip so different that he feels he needs you there. That’s worth talking to him about, if for no other reason than context. Maybe he doesn’t really want/need to go, either. But that’s his decision to make, knowing that the fallout might be worse than the visit.
Talk to him about what he expects will happen and how he can get what he needs without your attendance. This may look like him staying someplace else, even if the family doesn’t want him to, or flying in only for the day of the event. Help him think through ways that he can feel empowered, despite the toxic dynamic.
Sometimes being a good partner means putting on formal attire and gritting one’s teeth through caustic toasts. But at other times, the most supportive thing to do is to help one’s spouse figure out ways to help themselves and return home as happy as possible.
Dear Eric: My spouse and I are an older couple with some family members who live in the same town as us and some who live out of state.
The families who live near us only invite us to functions where a gift is needed, such as weddings and birthdays, etc.
We feel very sad about this since we spend many holidays alone. May I add that my spouse and I are pleasant people and so are they, but they never reach out to us except when they send an invitation for a function.
We are perplexed by this. What can we do?
– Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: It might seem bold, but you may have to invite yourself to a holiday dinner.
Sometimes, even those who love us and want to be around us don’t think of us as much as we’d like. This is normal; everyone is the star of their own show. So, it’s helpful to reach out and let people know when we have a need or a want.
Your family could assume that you already have holiday plans or that you’re happy to spend holidays solo.
Try not to ascribe a pattern to the invitations you’re getting. Yes, they all involve gifts, but weddings and birthdays fall into the “celebration” category of event. One throws a party; one invites a big group to celebrate en masse. Holidays can fall into this category, too. But more often they fall into the “tradition” category.
By letting your family know that you’d like to be invited, you give them – and yourselves – a chance to make a new tradition.
Dear Eric: Regarding “Socially Perplexed,” the couple who always initiated plans with friends but didn’t receive invites from said friends — perhaps the other couples are introverts.
My wife and I have become introverts and don’t initiate much anymore because we don’t have the need to socialize, and our lives are full and busy and stressful. However, when we receive an invitation, we think, “oh, that would be nice” and say yes.
– Happy Guest
Dear Guest: This is a helpful perspective and could also be of use to the letter writer “Heartbroken,” above. Sometimes what seems like a slight is just a different way of being at home in the world.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.