Dear Eric: I am a 76-year-old male whose friend of more than 70 years has a wife with severe arthritic conditions that have caused her to be basically wheelchair-bound for many years.
Upon placing her back into their car, I normally place a kiss on her cheek. Over a year ago, as I started that, she whispered “on the lips” to me. Since that time, I have attempted to scale the friendship back because of the uneasiness it caused me.
I have enjoyed their long-term friendship until this occurred. Am I being too sensitive about this?
– Too Close Friend
Dear Friend: If it made you uncomfortable or felt like the crossing of a boundary, you’re not being too sensitive.
I’m sure you’ve gone over possible explanations in your head – perhaps she was joking, perhaps she misread your cheek kisses as advances, perhaps this, perhaps that. The reason is important but it’s not as important as how the words landed with you.
It’s possible you feel awkward around the both of them now, or feel you’re holding a secret.
Talking to your friend’s wife about what happened and how you felt will free you from having to walk around with this bound up inside you. A conversation also offers the opportunity to get clarity from her and to clear a path for you to resume your close friendship with the husband.
Try to talk with her one-on-one. Bring up the words she whispered and let her know how you felt when you heard them. Being clear with a statement like, “When you said, ‘on the lips,’ I felt uneasy [or replace this with another emotion] because I value the friendship I have with you and with your husband, I don’t want there to be any crossed wires here.” Assert the boundaries that you’re comfortable with and ask her if she can respect them.
This also gives her a chance to explain and to apologize, if need be.
Dear Eric: I’m stressed out trying to maintain a friendship with someone from high school who reconnected with me a couple of years ago.
We were good friends when we were younger but by the time high school rolled around, I had moved on.
Fast-forward 20 years and we started hanging out again — girl stuff like going out for lunch.
Recently I’ve realized that, as nice as she is, I just didn’t enjoy her company. She complains constantly, is immature, is scared of everything (while I am quite adventurous) and tries to be so accommodating that it’s actually super annoying.
We have taken several weekend getaways together and she has ruined each one with her complaining about things that happened years ago. It’s nonstop.
At all costs I do not want to hurt her feelings, but I also really don’t want to be around her except in very small doses.
I have a few more trips coming up and she tends to assume that she is invited. Mind you she never makes any plans herself; she just wants to “tag along” with me.
Other than saying, “Hey, I’m kind of looking forward to a solo trip this time” (which is true), what can I say that basically means hell no, never again, but in a nice way that doesn’t make her feel that I’m a terrible person because I don’t want her to join me?
– Bad Reunion
Dear Reunion: Do you want to keep her from feeling you’re a terrible person or are you more concerned that you’ll feel like a terrible person? Because niceness has run amok here – yours and hers – and it’s not getting either of you anywhere.
What’s wrong with saying “I want to go solo” if it’s the truth? Obfuscating the truth in “niceness” most likely leads to more misunderstood intentions. What happens when she wants to tag along on the next trip?
There’s a line in the musical “Into the Woods” that I think about a lot: “Nice is different than good.” Good friendship, in this case, is advocating for what you need in a way that’s clear and not unkind, so that your resentment doesn’t grow and you’re able to enjoy the time that you do choose to spend together.
When imagining telling her what you really want, it’s easy to also imagine she’s hearing all of the real reasons you want it – i.e., you dislike her company. But that’s not what you’re saying. At least out loud.
From the way you write about this friend, however, it doesn’t sound like you like her at all. Are you just putting up with her because you’re nice and she’s nice? Just like in high school, that’s not sustainable for the long term. Better to put parameters in place – coffees, not lunches, no trips, etc. – than to stew in resentment.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.