Q. I am expecting my first baby in a few months. My recently retired parents, whom I adore, are in the process of moving so they can be close to us when the baby arrives and thereafter. This will be their first grandchild. My concern is that they are already exhibiting some “takeover” tendencies. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this without hurting their feelings? Thank you. B.B.
Congratulations on having the first addition to your family, an exciting and joyous time. There are ways to set some parameters. But first, let’s talk about grandparenting.
If you wonder why grandparents care so deeply for their grandchildren, it all began a million years ago in the plains of Africa, writes geriatrician Dr. William Thomas in his book, “What are Old People for? How Elders Will Save the World.”:
“A mother gave birth to a hominid child after a long and exhausting labor. She barely had enough energy to nurse her baby and not enough energy to feed or care for her other children,” writes Thomas. “A miracle occurred.”
The maternal grandmother came to the rescue and intentionally shared her food with her grandchildren. It was a defining moment that created a new pattern of support that carried over to other families. Along with whales, elephants and giraffes, humans are among the rare species whose grandparents deliberately help raise their grandchildren. So, this sense of caring has an evolutionary history.
Grandparents are important to a family and much more.
Here are a few facts about their role as reported by the U.S. Department of Labor:
About one-third of the adult population are grandparents. That’s nearly 70 million adults.
In 2021, 2.74 million children were raised just by their grandmother or 3.2 percent of all children in the U.S.
Grandparents are an “economic force that should not be ignored,” writes the marketing company Circa 46. They spend close to $180 billion a year on grandkids.
There are recommended ways to address the relationship between grandparents and the parents of an upcoming sweet baby. It involves a conversation about boundaries and expectations. This may seem premature, yet it might be helpful in avoiding future misunderstandings.
Here are just a few:
Make your expectations known. One’s parents are not mindreaders. If you enjoy unexpected drop-ins, consider giving your parents a key and welcoming them. If that’s not your style, set aside family times and let them lovingly know about it.
Explain your choices if needed. Times have changed since grandparents had babies. You might need to explain why you are spending over $1,000 for a sleeper bassinet that supports babies sleeping on their back and rock them or why you are reading a book about the baby whisperer.
Understand grandparents’ boundaries. That may involve babysitting. Do grandparents want to be on call or would they prefer a more scheduled time for visits such as spending every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday afternoons with your baby? Would they prefer babysitting only during the day if they want to avoid night driving?
Grandparents can have a significant impact on grandchildren.
Source of wisdom. Grandparents have lived through good and bad times and have valuable life lessons to share. These include their experiences of perseverance as well as their youthful escapades, with lessons not always found in textbooks or online resources. This oral tradition of passing down knowledge and experience is considered a timeless way for grandparents to contribute to the growth and development of their grandchildren, according to the Alden network, a provider of senior healthcare.
Preserver of tradition and culture. We can think of grandparents as custodians of family traditions and culture. The rituals and customs they pass on to their grandchildren enrich grandchildren’s sense of belonging and identity and are important links in fostering relationships between the generations.
Source of support. Grandparents can offer a safe place. In our fast-paced and sometimes confusing world, they can provide a sense of security and stability. They are good listeners and typically provide empathy without judgment. This emotional connection enhances children’s sense of belonging and reassurance.
Participant in reciprocity. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is based on mutual affection and admiration. Grandparents find joy in witnessing grandchildren’s growth and development. At the same time, grandchildren almost always value their unconditional love and cherish their companionship, knowing they are special to their grandparents. Furthermore, both generations have the opportunity to learn from one another. This intergenerational exchange enriches lives and creates a legacy that can continue for generations.
B.B., thank you for your good question. Enjoy your new baby for many years ahead as well as the loving relationship with your parents. As a new mother, remember to be kind to yourself and get as much sleep now; you’ll need it later.
Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity.