Frumpy Mom: How to go to the hospital for fun and profit

Being in the hospital is as much fun as a barrel full of monkeys, don’t you agree?

That is, if the monkeys are attacking you day and night with sharp needles, waking you up so they can ask you how much you urinated that day, putting blood pressure cuffs on you so tightly you want to cuff them back, and painstakingly ignoring you when you press the bedside buzzer to alert them you’re having a stroke.

Let me say straight out that I’m not comparing nurses to monkeys, because, honestly, I think you’re all angels of mercy. I don’t even know how you put up with people like me. And this isn’t even about you. It’s about the people who come to visit.

That’s right, dear readers. If you’ve ever been in the hospital, you’ve probably received visitors from time to time. Visitors are good. It means that people care enough about you to spend their life savings to park in the hospital parking lot, hand over their drivers licenses at the front desk, spend 45 minutes wandering around the 4th floor trying to find the entrance, and then later your room, put up with weird smells and harsh lights, and, for some of them, get over their fear of ending up there themselves.

I’ve been through this a few times. And, because I’m a philanthropic sort of gal, here are some tips for how to visit someone in the hospital, culled from my many years of wisdom.

1. Call first and find out if your chosen victim even wants visitors. Maybe they’d rather you just sent real food. Some people don’t want anyone to see them without their toupees and eyebrow pencils. Some just want to sleep, or are so doped up they don’t remember who you are. Some were really enjoying that episode of “Judge Judy” that you just interrupted. Others don’t want to be forced to be polite when they’re grumpy and hurting. Or maybe they just don’t like you. (Remind me to tell you my story about visitors that can’t be recounted in a family newspaper.)
2. Bring food. Yeah, yeah, see if the food you’re bringing is politically correct, but let me tell you: Almost any outside food is better than the stuff they give you in the hospital. When I had brain tumor surgery a dozen years ago, they fed me steroids that made me insanely hungry. The orderlies were starting to look tasty to me. And then they’d bring out that nasty hospital food, (processed cheese sandwich on white bread, yum) and I’d groan. I’m not sure how they think people are going to get better when they’re eating that crud. Luckily for me, my friends would show up with real food. My friend Samantha even drove all the way to Thai Nakorn in Stanton to bring me their barbecued clams, for which she will definitely go to heaven.
3. Only stay for 10 minutes. After you deliver your food, your presence is only marginally required, so look upon yourself as a friendly Uber Eats driver. Now, I realize there are exceptions, especially if you just sit there and watch “Judge Judy,” not requiring to be entertained. But you should assume that your presence is required only to show that you care, and then beat it. If you get very, very strong vibes that you’re still welcome, fine. Like, loud sobbing, when you get up to leave. Otherwise, get out before the bill for your parking goes through the roof. Visitors are exhausting. Some patients find they need to go home just to get some rest.
4. Get a babysitter for the kids. Now, if you’re bringing them to say goodbye to grandpa, who’s on his way to that big fishing spot in the sky, fine.  Or if they’re actually the children of the patient. Otherwise, leave them at home. Hospitals creep out most kids and they misbehave. And if they’re my kids, they’re probably going through the cabinets and playing with the tongue depressors.
5. Do not tell the patient disgusting hospital stories about your own operations or procedures. “And then they cut off the wrong leg!” Really. What were you thinking?

Now, for you patients. How do you get rid of your visitors? Here’s what I do:  Fake a heart attack and press the nurse call button. Make up some disgusting procedure you’re about to have. “Oh, well, they’re going to remove the catheter now because it has a lot of blood in it. Oh, you don’t want to stay? Thanks for stopping by.” Be selfish. You can just tell people, “OK, I’m going to sleep now,” and turn over. If they don’t go away, cut them out of your will.