Q. My daughter visits once or twice a year from her home, which is hundreds of miles away from where I live. She told me I must stop driving, should have a college student live with me and hire someone to clean my house, delivering these admonishments very firmly. I subsequently passed my driving test, cleaned my house successfully and have neighbors and friends who are there when I need help. This conversation has created a rift. Please address a column about family members making assumptions about older persons whom they seldom see. C.R.
Perceptions matter. Let’s first try to understand your daughter’s perspective.
Think about how older adults are portrayed in our society and our perception of aging. In a recent column, I mentioned Becca Levy, Yale Professor of Epidemiology who asked people to think of five words to describe older persons. In the U.S., the most common answer was “memory loss.” In China, it was “wisdom.” The US response was one of a deficit, rather than one of strength.
Your daughter’s response may be influenced by our youth-oriented culture with images of aging showing primarily declines and disabilities. Furthermore, her concern may be one of safety knowing that age is a risk factor for falls, car accidents and health vulnerabilities. As well, I take your word that you’re in fine fettle, but it’s not uncommon for individuals to downplay health challenges.
Here’s the rub. Everyone ages differently. Age is a poor predictor of individual competencies and functioning. For example, we know older adults have an increased risk of falling, but each adult differs in strength, reaction time, vision and living circumstances. Although trends count, they do not necessarily apply to each individual.
Adult children are known to overestimate older parents’ problems as noted in the Journal of Adult Development. Adult children evaluated their parents and reported more disabilities and life problems than their parents. This overestimation occurred more often when the adult children communicated by phone and less when they communicated in person. Clearly, it’s the first-hand knowledge that counts.
Your daughter may be considered a helicopter adult child. The term “helicopter” has been used by parents of teenage children as the parents hover over them, counter to their responsibility to raise a child to independence. Both teenagers and older adults share the value of independence.
As a point of interest, some parents have not outgrown this protective role. In one study of 800 employers, one out of five recent college graduates brought a parent with them for a job interview. That doesn’t sound like fostering independence.
I would like to share a personal story of a well-intended adult daughter who hovered for good reason.
Here is what happened: I left my daughter’s home and let her know I was driving directly to my home. After about 15 minutes, my daughter texted me, called my office phone, home phone and cell phone with no answer. Receiving no response, she became worried and called my friends asking, “Have you seen my mother?”
An all-points bulletin went out asking if anyone had heard from Helen. Needless to say, this caused a stir. Out of fear and desperation, my daughter drove to my home and found my car in the driveway. She was sure I was horizontal on the kitchen floor. As she looked across the street, she saw her mother attending a neighbor’s party held in his garage with Yours Truly laughing and munching on hors d’oeuvres.
My daughter was relieved but with a request: Always call me as soon as you get home. I share this story because I was responsible for this misunderstanding – saying one thing and doing another without thinking about the effect on my daughter. So, we parents can have a role to play.
Now let’s get back to your daughter. So much depends on relationships and perception. To influence your daughter’s perception, she likely needs more information, assuming she is open to it. Perhaps a starting point is to have a conversation. Here are a few suggestions for that chat.
“I appreciate your concern. What worries you most about me?”
“I would like to share with you how I am able to take care of myself.”
“Let’s talk about the best way to keep in touch.”
“Should we set a certain time to connect?”
“And how often should we chat?”
“Are you comfortable using technology such as Skype, Zoom, or the telephone?”
Thank you, C.R., for your good question. And kudos on passing your driving test. Best wishes in continuing to live the life you want to lead. And know that small acts of kindness can change the world.
Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity
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