¡El museo es fantastico! In Colombia’s bling-bathed hallways, I gaped at sacred gold funerary masks once stacked atop ashen faces of ancient dead chieftains; if only my español would come alive.
My 10 more proficient Spanish immersion classmates moved alongside me in Bogota’s world-famous four-story Gold Museum (Museo del Oro), which houses more glittery pre-Hispanic gold artifacts — the elaborate 2,000-year-old nose ornaments are to die for — than anywhere else on Earth.
Eons ago, capturing an enemy’s skull meant bonus points for tribal warriors tricked out in gold splendor; a king in the mythical gilded city of El Dorado routinely slathered himself in gold dust; and indigenous priests sported lavish gold headdresses after being religiously trained while locked in caves and deprived of chilis and salt.
I lapped up that info from our engaging docent, who thankfully gave an English tour during our private, after-hours class visit that screamed to be another Netflix heist movie. As for my limited new language skills, if our museum guide wanted me to order her un cafe — even with almond milk and sugar — I’m her gal.
This was my second intriguing “school day” in Colombia’s capital with Fluenz, a luxury on-site Spanish immersion program (not to be confused with Fluenz nasal spray flu vaccine for kids). I figured since Fluenz boasts about teaching Spanish to members of the U.S. Naval Special Warfare Command, I could roll my r’s as cleverly as those stealthy SEALs.
Aimed at English speakers, Fluenz launched in 2007 as an online digital platform to learn, of all uphill battles Mandarin Chinese, and then branched out to Spanish, French, Italian, German and Portuguese. Spanish is the most requested course and the only one offering a six-day individualized study abroad, largely in Mexico but also in other Latin American countries and Spain.
I knew un poquito Spanish, so to prepare, at home in Los Angeles, I crammed the first 11 Fluenz app lessons (of 150) before arriving in Bogota flaunting my longtime talent to ask for una cerveza and the john. However, after being picked up at Bogota’s airport, I did enjoy a nice Spanglish conversation with my SUV chauffeur, who revealed he’d been a national policeman in Medellin. “Narcos?” I inquired. “Sí,” he replied.
Even though they ran Spanish circles around kindergarten me, I quickly bonded with my fellow students: six women including a retired judge from Canada, a recently retired neonatologist from Kansas, a Phoenix immigration lawyer who helps asylum-seeking minors, and a Bay Area anesthesiologist/Stanford professor, along with four men including a Northern California cardio nurse and a Houston guy who works on oil fields in Iraq.
Most impressively rattled off Spanish but wanted to improve. Work, travel and sheer love of another language all played a role. A few pupils had previously attended a Fluenz immersion in Mexico City, the company’s in-person flagship locale.
School was cool. It took place in our stylish boutique accommodations, the 13-room Casa Legado hotel consisting of two mid-century family homes joined by a small courtyard and including an “open kitchen” you could freely raid for drinks, chips, cookies and other snacks. First off, owner and interior designer Helena Davila introduced the “real host,” her fluffy 4-year-old Biewer terrier, Eugenio.
Davila had named the serene guest rooms after her siblings, nieces and nephews — The Tito, fashioned after youngest brother Tito who likes to fix things, had a saw, hammer, wrenches and other tools on a wall and a bicycle holding up the bathroom vanity. I slept in The Maria, dedicated to Davila’s grown niece Maria who sponsors a charity to boost confidence in child cancer patients by giving them bald dolls. From a photograph on my nightstand, Maria sipped a cup of coffee and kindly gazed at me.
Classes occurred twice daily for five straight days — two hours 1-on-1 with a coach and two hours 2-on-1 with another comparable student, always in different spots of the homes — on a terrace, in a garden, under the whimsical white teapot pendants above our communal lunch table, in “grandpa’s bar” stocked with premium booze.
But we weren’t always cracking the books. One evening, our group dined at hot-list Leo restaurant, which even sources “big-butt ants” in Colombian mountain forests for an exotic tasting menu delivered on sculpted rocks. Another morning, we strolled through Bogota’s massive Paloquemao mercado and sampled guanábana and lulo fruits.
Also, during a a class break, three of us grabbed an Uber to experience two iconic Colombian sights — the eye-popping, colonial-era, street art-lined La Candelaria neighborhood and revered 10,341-foot-high Mount Monserrate, which we reached by a steep funicular.
On the summit, there’s an old white-washed pilgrimage church, a hallowed Black Madonna, a panoramic city view, and for-sale T-shirts featuring narcoterrorist Pablo Escobar. By the way, I didn’t know how to ask a souvenir vendor if a decanter was made from a cow, so I just held it up to her and bellowed, “Moo-oooo-ooo?” She burst out laughing.
“It’s good to struggle, it’s good to be lost a little bit. It’s part of the process of learning a language,” Fluenz co-founder Sonia Gil assured on day one during a gathering in our fireplace-warmed living room. Venezuelan-born Gil, who splits her time between Miami and Mexico City, studied plant science at New York’s Cornell University and was a popular travel vlogger when she first attempted to master Mandarin in Shanghai.
I must gush about the eight exuberant uplifting instructors — all from Mexico City, Colombia and Venezuela and clad in maroon V-neck sweaters and radiant smiles. OK, so I finally got it: for an Italian meal I could order una copa de vino tinto (a glass of red wine) but not with pasta de dientes (toothpaste).
Each tutor was like a cultural exchange pal — Mexican architect Karen designed sets on location in Colombia for Netflix’s “One Hundred Years of Solitude;” Marianna lives in Venezuela, once did biology research on alligators and crocodiles in Florida, and is creating a pajama line that will showcase Venezuelan endangered animals; Michu owns a bar with her DJ husband in Caracas, Venezuela, and delights in dancing with their customers.
Colombia, of course, is notoriously known for the late murderous, horrific cocaine kingpin Escobar, although parts of the country are safer today. “Colombians do not appreciate tourists and others glorifying Pablo Escobar,” said art historian Christian Padilla, when he came to lecture us about Fernando Botero, Colombia’s most illustrious artist. One of Botero’s acclaimed paintings depicts the 1993 police killing of Escobar in a hail of bullets atop a Medellin rooftop.
On day four, I joined Michu and my beginner study-buddy (a retired Wisconsin finance expert) to er, uhh… chat with local shopkeepers in the native tongue. Inside a New Age crystal emporium dotted with Buddhas, Michu had me ask in Spanish how much an elephant figurine cost. I blanked out when the saleswoman began an unexpected long answer, although with Michu’s assist, I managed to spit out in Spanish, credit cards or only cash?
Next, we visited a bookstore where I told an employee in Spanish that I lived in Los Angeles, and he cheerily replied something about L.A. having great flores (flowers). Then he mimed smoking weed.
Finally, at a pastry shop, a baker excitedly informed us, “¡Es el dia internacional del croissant!’’ Yep, it was International Croissant Day. At our table, in Spanish I ordered un capuchino y un croissant de pistacho. The amused waitress applauded my linguistics: “10 out of 10!”
Fluenz means “fluent” in Spanish, and although I progressed some — and had loads of fun — I’ve got gobs more studying to do. Personally, I keep thinking of what co-founder Gil said about speaking Spanish: “You’d be unlocking the ability to communicate with 500 million people.”
Assuming mi cabeza cooperates, that’s my plan.
If you go
Fluenz’s on-site Spanish immersion courses start at $4,100 specials and include six nights accommodations, most meals, excursions, airport transfers, and access to the 150-lesson app; fluenz.com