Now, I’ve only been writing for you good people for a little over half a year. In less time than it takes a woman to create a fresh baby, I’ve gotten a lifetime’s worth of email responses from disgruntled readers. Here are some of my favorites. I’ve replaced all names with John Doe because this is not about exposing anyone or providing targets for internet sleuths.
Democrats are the party of hate. Btw, just seeing your name (Hispanic) told me your article would probably be anti American. Face it, you would prefer all those newly arrived migrants to be given citizenship and especially voting rights. You people are so stupid and your ultimate intentions obvious. Burn America down! I love Mexican food. What else do Mexicans have to be proud of? They all bailed on their own country because they are a culture of cowards who leave instead of fight for their own country. You are all pathetic losers. Finally, as a lifetime So CA resident, 30 year homeowner and now a senior, I should get like 4 votes in the elections to your one. Go Steve Garvey. Only in CA would liar Adam Shiff get elected.
John Doe claims that “Democrats are the party of hate” but then proceeds to say a bunch of hateful racist things. I can’t believe tacos al pastor haven’t turned him into an open border nut. He must only know about Taco Bell – if he tried my mom’s cooking, he’d be waving my extended family north through the Rio Grande like a third base coach.
Anyway, sometimes when disturbed individuals like this email me, I’ll tell them what I really think. Which is that we’re all in this together and that there’s no reason to hate someone just because they disagree with you. I told the reader that I was glad to hear they enjoy Mexican food and that my mom makes the best. Sadly, this reader smacked away my olive branch (avocado tree branch?). They sent me this:
Dude, I am way smarter than you. Don’t BS me with your patronizing ‘can’t we all get along’. You’re a typical weak Dem. No doubt you love America. Why wouldn’t you? You get everything for free. But, the BIG but, you hate Americans like me because you want what we have but don’t understand the long term sacrifice. You just want it because you think you are deserving. You hate Trump because he is better than you. I am better than you even though I am just a Christian hypocrite. You lie with the intention of destroying America to make it just like the crappy country you came from. A loser Mexican culture of cowardice. Btw, I’m a gringo and make better Mexican food than your Mom. Learn to fight back b****. Digger.
I received a lot of mixed signals from this guy/pinnacle of human evolution. He was constantly antagonizing me, claiming that I am of an inferior race, but immediately after sent me a torrent of emails wishing to learn my opinion on several key political and socio-economic issues. This ubermensch was overcome with extreme anger after I chose to withhold my sea of wisdom. John Doe even challenged me to a knuckle sandwich competition after I ignored his 11th request for enlightenment.
Donald Trump has got no f****** chance!!! Why don’t you put your money where your f****** mouth is, p****! Don the Con is about to lose his third straight election. He has never won the popular vote and you know it r*****! So why are you lying to everybody in your MAGA ****** JEW RAG!!! Telling your idiots what they want to hear is all you f*****s ever do! F*** you and the Gaily Jews (Daily News) newspaper you work for!!! Just stay in Cracker County (The O.C.) with all the other Trump c*** sucking Trumptards you worthless sack of s***!!!!!! F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!!! Raphael Perez you **** ******* piece of sh**!!!!!!
This person sounds like they were created by AOC and a Klan member fighting over what pieces to stick on a Mr. Potato Head. If only someone just invited them to a rally they’d finally find the home they have so longed for. This John Doe has everything it takes to be a first-round pick at the Ku Klux Klan draft: the antisemitism, the homophobia, the ableism, the racism. A future first-ballot hall of fame Grand Imperial Wizard if only someone informed them that they’re meant to hate Biden, not Trump. It’s tough to see such natural talent wasted.
Mr. Perez,
You and your woke generation stand for nothing and fall for everything. Highlighting homosexuality nationally has highlighted perversion and nastiness and has taken masculine chivalry and killed it. Taking this perversion and nastiness into the classrooms of our schools and introducing children to homosexuality before they have matured old enough …. is the biggest crime in America today. If my children when they were in school and were subjected to this perversion and nastiness I would have burned down the school. … Better yet, Perez, let me take your children into the cloakroom and see if they like your woke world.
I felt like I was in trouble just reading this. Like the FBI was about to kick down my door any second. Thankfully my children don’t exist yet so this pervert can’t hurt them. Christ. Watch out for anyone that can write out a sentence about abusing small children as easily as they can spread room-temperature butter on toast.
According to this thoroughly hinged reader, prospective transgender women must perform fellatio on a man before determining that they’re genuinely transgender. I’m no expert on gender studies or queer theory but I believe that they think it’s possible to switch genders without switching sexual orientation so my gut tells me that they probably wouldn’t be amenable to this precondition.
John Doe pulled out all of his tricks of persuasion by using my name and the concept of my children for rhetorical effect. Doesn’t it feel so much more personal and impactful than if John had simply used “child A” in his hypotheticals? It nearly got me. I caution readers to watch out for such shameful underhanded tricks.
Time to put away your sidewalk chalk and go home to mommy. It’s obvious that you’re nothing more than a sad little diversity hire and a Useful Marxist. Doctoral candidate in philosophy? Hardly. I’ve seen more intellect in the bottom of a babies diaper than the drivel espoused in your Anti Christian rants.
I have to say, I appreciate the respect many of you have for philosophy. You’ll insult me by claiming that you can’t believe that I’m a philosopher or that I’m too dumb to be one. That just warms my heart like little else. I’m so proud to see my discipline held in such high regard even amongst detractors.
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Philosophy-talk aside, John Doe attempts to hurt my feelings by calling me a diversity hire. Even if that were true, it’s not like I’m in charge of something important such as providing security for the president and former president. There’s only so much damage my incompetence can produce.
All jokes aside, I hope that by letting readers peer into the sorts of responses some columnists receive, we can reconsider how we interact with one another – in the world and through social media. As I’ve tried to remind those who send me troubling emails, we’re more alike than not despite failing to share in all of our beliefs. Each of us can make the world just slightly better by choosing to disagree respectfully and by refusing to allow those in power to use their influence to tear us apart for their own gain. Let’s do better.
Rafael Perez is a doctoral candidate in philosophy at the University of Rochester. You can reach him at rafaelperezocregister@gmail.com