I, Donald John Trump, will drop an atomic bomb on you, Canada, unless you reduce the price of automatic transmissions for use in our great American automobiles immediately.
Unless, of course, you, Canada — the Great White North as we used to call it, and boy, howdy, does that moniker sound better and better every day — are already the 51st of the great United States of America by the time I have decided to drop an atomic bomb on you.
Because even I, Donald John Trump — I know; what’s with the John? If my dotty immigrant mother were around, I could bug her about that — would not drop an atomic bomb, much less a hydrogen bomb, on a sacred state of the formerly greatest country in the world that is by the minute getting great again.
That is the problem, isn’t it, for those of us — and that would be me — who like round numbers. Fifty-one states? Doesn’t sound kosher. We’d either have to get rid of one — and yes I am looking at you, California — or add one.
And, no, Puerto Rico, I am not looking at you.
Greenland? Now you’re talking.
Plus your Panama, your Gaza, all kinds of states we could be adding. Sixty states? Why not. MORE on that in a minute.
Don’t you just love it, MAGA fans, when I press the all-caps thingy on my phone for emphasis?
You do.
Know who taught me that?
I bet you do. It’s Natalie Harp, who the lamestream press nastily calls The Human Printer, just because she happens to follow my golf cart in another golf cart and when I need something on paper, prints it, because who can read it otherwise on some telephone.
Yes, that nasty National Review refers to her as a mere flatterer, because of the nice things she says about me on OANN. Just because she happens to be hot, and blonde, it calls her “a nursemaid, spoon-feeding an elder only the pudding flavors he prefers.”
BUT I DIGRESS!
Because I need to talk with you, Canada, about the atomic bomb, which will soon be winging its way toward you, either in the bay of a very, very large B-52H Stratofortress, which, yes, is made by Boeing, but never mind that, or in the nose or wherever they put them of a very nasty intercontinental ballistic missile, I’m not telling you which, because that is part of The Art of the Deal — keep ‘em guessing.
Do I have to talk about the price of transmissions to the French-named guy up in Ottawa or wherever, the guy whose dad did the Canada job too, only he was bald, and yet he still kept getting the hotties? Or aren’t they getting a new guy, so maybe I should talk to him.
Or, maybe, you know, I should just drop the Big One — “Boom goes London, boom, Paree, more room for you and more room for me,” as the fella sang — and then we can talk? I’ve got a direct line to King-O-Matic, “Canada’s largest supplier of transmission and drivetrain components,” so maybe I should just get on the horn to them and we can talk turkey before the mushroom cloud.
Because I can tell you who I’m not talking to — that Claudia Sheinbaum, down Mexico way. Know what her gig was before politics? SHE WAS A ‘CLIMATE SCIENTIST’ IN BERKELEY! Fake news, all the way. You see the way she pulls her hair back in some kind of tight bun?
But I don’t digress. Because after I bomb the living daylights out of our supposed good neighbors, you know what I really want to conversicate about here? You bet your bottom shekel you do. Gaza, the Riviera of the Mediterranean, baby!
I realize that the other Riviera, the so-called real one, in France, also happens to be on the Mediterranean. But the Froggies basking topless on those hard pebbles are gonna be just another hoax once the world gets a gander at what Trump can do in the Strip! You think I took this job again just to hobnob with world leaders and let Elon run amok in the fields of USAID? Trump was born to develop, and an opportunity such as this one is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. Bibi has already almost flattened the place anyway. Just move out the 2.2 million so-called Palestinians — sorry, not sorry, Michigan voters!
Hey — you know what really levels a place, so ideal for resort development? An atomic bomb.
Larry Wilson is on the Southern California News Group editorial board. lwilson@scng.com.