Q. I have naturally mousey-gray hair and color it. I continue to work and believe that in the workplace, women’s hair color matters. A friend who went gray during the pandemic accused me of not being authentic and not being proud of my age. I became defensive and insisted I just want to look attractive. Any comments? H.M
This is not the first time gray hair has been an issue. In the mid-1600s, France’s elite wore scented powdered wigs made from goat and horsehair. (They tended to smell and attract lice, though.)
But that was then. To gain some contemporary insights, I spoke to a few women in later life about their motivation to let their hair grow out gray and a few who colored their hair.
Here are some of their stories of being gray.
A retired financial specialist who had worked in a large corporation was inspired by her younger sister, whose hair was a beautiful white similar to their mother’s. She said, “If it looks good on me, it should look good on me.” She added, “I got tired of peering at my roots to determine if it was time for a color and tired of sitting with that glop in my hair. I don’t think I would have done this if I had still been working. Now, it’s time for a little liberation.”
A retired business owner stopped highlighting her hair during the pandemic and was fine with the mousey results. For the Susan Komen Walk, she decided to use a pink wash. She said she had so much fun and that people of all ages struck up conversations with her. She took her hair color a step further and tinted it lavender, which invited more conversation. That lead to fairy hair which is having several strands of tinsel in your hair. She never realized that one’s hair color could be a reason to socially connect with others. “Older people are invisible; that’s not the case if you have lavender hair,” she said.”
A retired senior prosecutor turned prematurely gray at her work. She did not color her hair because she said, “Basically, I am cheap. It’s not the way I want to spend my disposable income and don’t want to be beholden to a schedule.” I asked her if she thought her gray hair had affected her job or position. She replied, “I supervised six assistant prosecutors, three police detectives and a sergeant. I did not feel my position was threatened.”
Now to women who color their hair.
A retired executive director of a nonprofit organization was very honest regarding her reason. She said, “It makes me look younger, which was important while working.” She recently was with a group of women, all with gray hair. They asked her, “You still are coloring your hair?” She noted, “They all expected me to look just like them.”
A highly regarded community leader said, “I like the looks of my hair and it pleases me. I am not trying to look young.” Before making the decision to continue coloring her hair, she went into a wig store, letting the salesperson know she was there just to try on wigs and specifically gray ones. She found one she liked, tried it on and asked the salesperson how it looked. The salesperson replied, “It makes you look old.” That was it. People cannot believe she is age 91, even those in doctors’ offices. She said, “I’m upright and fit, which may help.”
“I am not giving up and not giving in,” said a retired teacher. “I still look attractive so why do I need to look like an unattractive 80-year-old?” she said. Furthermore, she commented that gray hair is a signal of being old and there is no way around that. She added, “There is no question that I am vain.”
Clearly, there are reasons women go gray and color their hair. Ageism, particularly in the workplace, can easily motivate individuals to color their hair if that makes them feel better about themselves and increases their opportunities for employment. What is most important is for friends, family and hiring managers not to pass judgment on individuals based on their hair color.
Thank you, H.M., for your good question. Stay well, stay confident and spread the gift of kindness.
Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity.