Dear Ismael,
How soon after my wife’s passing should I stop wearing my wedding ring?
— Thoughtful Widower in 60643
Dear Thoughtful Widower,
I like to get a little personal when I try to relate to questions sent to me, so I picked up the phone and asked the first person I knew who lost a partner they were married to — my mother.
Like always, her message was funny but enlightening.
“I didn’t have a big ceremony, a white wedding dress or a ring. But if I did, I would’ve taken it off that same day,” she told me about her first husband, who made the marriage anything but great. We had a good laugh, and while it wasn’t the most typical response someone would have after losing a spouse, there’s a lesson to take from her experience.
There will be people who question why you took the ring off “too quickly,” or why you left it on years after your spouse’s passing, but pay them no mind. How you decided to move on or grieve is up to you because no one else but you will know and understand how that partner — good or bad, hopefully good — influenced your life.
No universally ‘good’ time
To get a more professional take on the significance of a wedding ring and how to honor what the ring represents after a spouse’s passing, I reached out to Nicolle Osequeda, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and founder and CEO of Lincoln Park Therapy Group.
She said the ring often serves as a tangible link to the past, present and future with your partner. After the loss of a spouse, the ring’s representation might evolve into the life you built together, your shared memories and even your identity as a partner.
“Many people wrestle with the idea of when — or if — they should take it off because it can feel like a shift in identity or a final goodbye.” Osequeda said. “But grief isn’t linear, and removing the ring doesn’t mean you’re leaving your loved one behind — it just means your relationship with their memory is evolving.”
To make your decision a little easier, try picturing what would bring you peace when you decide to remove it. What would make you feel like you’re honoring your wife’s memory?
Osequeda said some choose to wear the ring on a chain, repurpose it into another piece of jewelry or keep it as it is in a special box or drawer. Others hold onto it for significant moments, and put it back on during anniversaries or difficult days.
Some widows and widowers experiment by taking the ring off for a short time and seeing how it feels, while others keep it on indefinitely, she added. There’s no exact method on how to honor your union and your spouse, but the most important thing is doing what feels right for you and in your own time.
“There’s no rule that says once it’s off, it must stay off — you can revisit it in ways that feel right to you,” Osequeda said.
Adjusting to a new normal
Once you find peace and acceptance with how you choose to present your ring finger to the world, it’ll be easier to find the words to express to new love interests — or even friends and family who care about you — how you are feeling after a great loss.
But there’s no telling if you will need extra help to reach acceptance or peace with how to move forward after a spouse’s passing. For those struggling with this decision, there are grief support groups or counseling where you can listen to other experiences, share your own and heal alongside others.
I send you a warm hug as you navigate this hard time.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.