I’m old enough to have seen Blue Man Group off-Broadway in the early 1990s. Before there were dozens of cobalt grease-painted trios scattered across the globe. Just the original ensemble, who conceived the performance art piece in Central Park and went on to mint money with their fungible legions beating drums and stuffing Cap’n Crunch into their mouths.
One bit stands out. A member of the audience arrives late — probably planted, now that I think of it — and edges past others in his row, toward an empty seat.
Suddenly the action on the stage stops and the latecomer is hit by a spotlight as a disembodied voice bellows, “Late! Laaaate! LAAAAAAAATE!”
Hysterical. Humiliation — of others, naturally — often is.
Which makes the world a less humorous place, now that shame is basically dead. A concept that didn’t occur to me until I got an email this week from a regular reader. It begins:
“I read that American Airlines has a trial plan to shame customers who try to cut in the boarding line.”
We’ve all been there. There are six boarding groups. A certain subset of those in the latter groups stand around, poised, alert, like runners set in the blocks, visibly itching to get on the plane, jealousy eyeing those in the earlier groups as they shuffle forward, bags in tow. I’m not sure why; we’re all getting on the same plane, leaving at the same time, after the last passenger takes their seat. You’d think passengers would linger, minimizing their time in the sealed aluminum tube. But no.
I guess they want to make sure they have an overhead berth for their enormous carry-on bags. Maybe the reason is inbred competitiveness — you get get on board ahead of others, you beat them and thereby win, awarding yourself another meaningless medal in the private Ego Olympics that is your life.
I heard the news of American’s experiment and pictured the inevitable entitled fellow passenger, who just has to jump the gun, because that’s how he’s wired, trying to board prematurely. Suddenly he’s hit by a spotlight, and a canned voice reverberates across the gate: “PLEASE … WAIT … YOUR … TURN!!!”
An American Airlines gate area at O’Hare International Airport. The carrier is trying out a new approach to stop passengers who try to jump the line and get on the plane before their group is called. When the offender’s boarding pass is scanned, an alert will sound and the gate attendant will turn them away and make them wait their turn. The system is being tested at airports in New Mexico, Arizona and Virginia.
Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times
I reached out to American Airlines. Alas, the reality pales beside imagination. American said they’re testing the concept at three airports: Albuquerque International Sunport in New Mexico, Tucson International Airport in Arizona, and Reagan National Airport in Virginia, just outside Washington, D.C. The system works like this:
“If a customer tries to board outside their boarding group, the system is unable to scan the boarding pass and makes an audible sound. The team member politely lets the customer know they’re unable to accept the pass and asks the customer to rejoin the line when their boarding group is called.”
Alas, American Airlines didn’t expand upon what the “audible sound” might be. I’d hope that it is something akin to the sad, muted trumpet noise — you know, “wah, wah, waaaaah.”
The pilot program is working.
“We’ve been pleased with the results of the test so far,” American said.
Give it time. The dynamic I’m interested in seeing unfold is what the called-out passengers then do. Sure, this will work if they hang their heads, mutter apologies and slink back to the scrum of the more patient.
But that ain’t human nature. What happens when they stand their ground and argue? Is it really worth preserving an abstract standard of gate fairness by holding up the line trying to explain to some privileged knucklehead about waiting your turn, a concept kindergarten instills in most of us? How can an airline employee, no matter how skilled, reverse a lifetime’s habit? Isn’t it quicker and easier just to wave them through, a social failure that rule-breakers rely upon.
Which brings up another question: How will the people at the gate respond when a pinged person is sent back to wait their turn. Silence? A low censorious murmur? General tutting? Hissing? We really need to bring back hissing, a wonderful social convention to convey disapproval to strangers.
My guess is they won’t. I would be reluctant. Anyone aggressive enough to cut in line at an airport gate is capable pretty much of anything — turning on me with a snarl for making a clicking sound with my tongue when they were prevented from boarding and beating me senseless with one of those horseshoe-shaped neck pillows, an encounter which, recorded by an alert bystander, will appear on X that afternoon and in an hour rack up more views than all my lifetime’s writing combined.
“Hell,” Sartre said, “is other people.” The “…at the airport” part of that sentiment is too obvious to require utterance.