The Broncos are officially contenders again because of X’s and O’s — and PB&Js?
According to a recent article in The Athletic, the Broncos consumed 700 Uncrustables per week last season. Multiple players told me the number is likely greater this year.
“I definitely believe that,” cornerback Riley Moss said.
Like me, just as many players found the number stunning. Is Joey Chestnut in the building? Were they counting those munched by 12U soccer and football teams that periodically practice in the Pat Bowlen Fieldhouse?
“I think there is probably an IT guy upstairs crushing like 100 of them,” joked Zach Allen, who insisted he has not devoured one since joining the Broncos last season. “There is no way just players are eating that many.”
Understandably, team officials are not leaning into the idea that their success is traced to a sealed crustless sandwich consisting of peanut butter and jelly filling held together by crimped edges. The Broncos use sports science and employ nutritionists to make sure their players, coaches and employees eat healthy.
But what happens between well-planned meals? When childhood innocence returns and a player, coach or security guard wants a snack? Move over, banana. Stay on the plate, orange slice. There is nothing like a soft, gooey, hockey puck to provide a kick.
“I get here around 6:30 a.m. and eat breakfast. So, around 11 you want something before heading out to practice,” center Alex Forsyth said. “I will have probably two a week. I like them.”
After spending a few hours in the locker room checking this out, I wondered if the whole thing was a hoax. That volume PBJ eaters don’t exist, or they heard I was on their trail (mix) and disappeared like D.B. Cooper.
I began my search for answers with the usual suspects: the offensive line. They are big guys with large appetites. In looking around, I saw no wrappers scattered on the floor, no purple stains on shirts.
Right tackle Mike McGlinchey might occasionally eat one at halftime, but he explained PB&Js are not exactly his jam. Center Luke Wattenberg has one here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. So, I figured, the answer was across the room. The storage shed for all that peanut butter and all that jelly had to be The Belly.
Quinn Meinerz, I am on to you. Confess.
“I have eaten them, but I promise you I am not crushing them,” Meinerz said. “It’s funny. I have gotten so many messages across social media platforms asking about this.”
The offensive linemen’s explanations were perfectly reasonable, so maybe it is time to think outside the frozen cardboard box. Perhaps the backup quarterbacks are in some secret Men vs. Food competition.
“It’s not me,” Jarrett Stidham said.
“I have had a few, but I don’t really eat them much,” Zach Wilson explained.
Smucker’s Uncrustables are shown June 20, 2006, in a Philadelphia file photo. (AP Photo/George Widman, File)
OK. None of this makes sense. The Broncos are inhaling Uncrustables like grade schoolers at band camp and nobody has an appetite for them? Who in the H-E-double hockey sticks is eating all these raviolis of PB&Js?
I get a tip from a source. Follow the crumbs to the corner. Specifically the cornerbacks. We all know that Pat Surtain II ranks among the NFL’s upper crust. What I did not know until this week is that he is also an All-Pro consumer of Uncrustables.
“I have two a day. The consistency of the peanut butter with that jelly filling in the middle. MMM, it works. They are good,” Surtain said of the premade delicacies. “So I definitely pick up a few here and there. It wouldn’t surprise me if people are leaving the building with some in their pockets.”
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Riley? Is he talking about you? Are you guilty? Alas, he is not. But he is funny. Which my peanut-butter-coated-tongue-in-cheek investigation appreciates.
“Listen, they are light. They are quick. Easy to eat,” Moss said. “We didn’t have them at Iowa (in college). That was one of the exciting things my first week here was, ‘Wow, we have Uncrustables. That’s huge.’ I love them.”
Not all teams do. The Saints and Bengals, per The Athletic, eat the fewest at 50 per week. The Seahawks ranked second at 320.
And then there are the Broncos in The 700 Club. It remains an impressive number, like a rebuilding team with a 5-3 record. I am going to say it now: If the Broncos reach the playoffs, it will be the greatest thing since sliced bread and peanut butter and jelly.
“Somebody is eating them,” said receiver Michael Bandy with a laugh. “They keep disappearing.”
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