DEAR MISS MANNERS: On my daughter’s wedding day, the weather was perfect, as was the venue and all preparations.
A few hours before the ceremony, the groom was arrested on an active warrant. (That’s an issue for another day.)
We were already at the venue. The bridal party was getting dressed and photos were being taken while the bride was on the phone with an attorney, attempting to have the groom released.
Guests were already arriving since it was more than an hour’s drive for all of them.
Because we were hopeful that the groom would be released, and because the guests were already there and we couldn’t cancel, we decided to proceed with the cocktail hour and reception, hoping to hold the ceremony once the groom arrived.
The groom was not released. The wedding ceremony never took place.
I told my daughter to return all monetary gifts. She feels they should be kept since the couple “will be getting married eventually.”
I am torn. Yes, we did have a wonderful party, although we were not in a very celebratory mood. But I feel that they are keeping the gifts under false pretenses.
GENTLE READER: Yes, you certainly did entertain your guests. They’re still talking about it.
But of course, you are right that your daughter cannot keep the wedding gifts on the grounds that the guests got their money’s worth. The rule is that presents are returned if the wedding does not take place.
But in sympathy with the would-be bride, Miss Manners (who is weak from politely suppressing a scream of “What did he do?“) is happy to have a way around this.
As your daughter does intend to marry him when possible, she can write charming notes to the guests, apologizing for the mix-up and stating that she looks forward to seeing them when she is able to set a date for the postponed wedding.
However, she must promise that she will invite all the same people to the postponed wedding, and that if she decides to postpone indefinitely, she will return all wedding presents, monetary and otherwise. They should not be spent on bail.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was leaving a grocery store, a young man approached me and asked me to donate to a local high school baseball team. I apologized and told him that I do not carry cash.
I have specific causes that I donate to annually, but I am constantly being stopped at the door or asked to round up at the register.
What is a polite way to say no to a donation request?
GENTLE READER: There is no need to apologize or explain. Miss Manners presumes you don’t want the young man to show up at your house, where you keep your cash.
We assume that sensible people contribute to causes they know and care about, rather than simply to anyone who happens to ask. Therefore, you need only say pleasantly, “Thank you, but no.” And to be extra nice, you can add, “I wish you good luck with it.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.