DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended two touring Broadway shows, and many families were at each performance.
For one show, some people wore costumes; across from me, a child had on a rather large hat the whole time. At the other show, a nearby child sang along, loudly, to every song they knew.
Is it wrong to expect the accompanying adults to teach these children proper audience behavior?
GENTLE READER: “Proper audience behavior” is a topic of hot debate these days.
The silence that both you and Miss Manners prefer dates only from the early 20th century. Before that, audiences treated plays, and even operas, as if they were streaming the entertainments at home. That is to say, they talked and wandered around, paying attention only when something interested them.
In the 21st century, interactive entertainment has become common, even in such hitherto one-way venues as museums. Everyone, everywhere, is asked for immediate feedback.
Rock concerts encourage enthusiastic noise. It is not just hats that might block one’s view, but phones being held up to take photographs, or people standing up to dance.
Now the expectation of audience participation has spread to movie theaters and live theaters. That being the case, you would be wise to inquire about the venue’s policy before buying tickets to future productions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a casual acquaintance whom I see regularly and have a high opinion of. This individual asked me to donate to a specific charity.
Generally, I would contribute a small amount, but the charity she named has a poor reputation among a great number of my friends, many of whom have the medical condition the charity claims to support.
I don’t want to rain on her parade or discourage the work she feels is important, and I would gladly contribute to another organization.
Is ignoring the request the kindest way to proceed? Is there a polite way to support my acquaintance’s charitable work without donating to this organization, which, in good conscience, I cannot?
GENTLE READER: Wouldn’t that charitable lady want to know about the problems others have had with that organization? As a donor, she might be in a position to look into those complaints and, if found valid, to request that they be addressed.
But it is not necessary to tell her, or even to extract another suggestion from her. When someone asks for a donation, you are not required to oblige. Miss Manners would think it better to give to charities you know to be effective. You can always mention them as an alternative response — not as a return request, but to show that your philanthropy budget is already committed.
But even that is not required to be polite when responding to a solicitation: “Thank you for telling me about it” is sufficient. And indeed, in cases where you are inclined to give, it would be wise to give yourself that extra time to look into the value of the organization.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.