DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for some time.
Our first pregnancy ended at seven weeks in a miscarriage, which started during a visit to my mother-in-law’s home. She had not known we were trying, and then the cat was out of the bag.
She was very kind and sympathetic immediately after we returned from the hospital, but since then, she has been overtly negative about us having a child. She will say things like, “Oh, it is so much work!” or, “You will disturb your peace, and it will cost so much money.”
I was so stunned that she would say such things that I was at a loss for words. I have limited my time around her since then.
We have happily conceived again and have not yet told anyone.
During a recent short visit, my mother-in-law did not make any more negative remarks about having children. However, we have more visits planned, and I am hoping for some respectful but firm responses for when she inevitably brings up her opinions.
We will eventually tell her about our current pregnancy, after we are sure everything is all right with the baby.
GENTLE READER: And she will be overjoyed.
Mind you, Miss Manners is not excusing your mother-in-law. She made hurtful remarks.
But that is what many people do in the foolish hope of providing comfort where none is available. They little realize the damage they do by saying that what devastates you is really all for the best.
You are wise not to tell her before the pregnancy is obvious. At that time, she will reverse her opinions — so it is best to forget the earlier ones.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Maybe it’s because I took Spanish in high school instead of French, but what’s with “RSVP”?
People say “Please RSVP” but also “You haven’t sent an RSVP.” So is it a noun or a verb or both?
Even I know that the “SVP” part means “please,” so “Please RSVP” is stupid. And does it mean they want you to respond only if you’re accepting, or even if you’re not?
And why French? I’m not pushing Spanish, although more Americans speak it than French. But why not, oh, Danish? Or Thai? It would make just as much sense.
Is there any reason for using French besides pure snobbery?
GENTLE READER: Traditional snobbery.
Time was when snobbish Americans believed that French customs were more elegant than American ones. Even at the White House, the menus were in French up through the Kennedy administration. Talk about ridiculous.
And, as you say, people are confused (or claim to be, to cover the rudeness of ignoring an invitation) about whether it applies only to accepting or also to declining. As if they couldn’t understand that hosts need to know who is doing which.
Miss Manners is in total agreement with you. It is perfectly correct, and a lot clearer, to say “Please respond.” The formal version is, “The favor of a response is requested.”
Now if you can just get them to do it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.