DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hospitalized for 17 days due to complications from a cancer-related surgery. During that time, my sister drove 80 miles a day to see me. She was very kind and patient.
I have recovered, and I now live in an assisted-living facility.
My sister has become overbearing: lecturing me on what I eat, how I keep my room, how I take care of my diabetes, on and on.
I’ve told her that it makes me feel bad, but nothing has changed. Finally, I told her that my only problem was her picking on me.
I have to see her because she brings my medications; otherwise, I would go no-contact.
Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
GENTLE READER: You do know, don’t you, that your sister is consumed with worry about you and is frantic to help?
Not that her nagging helps. Miss Manners understands how exasperating it is. But to expel your sister from your life would be a cruel response to her concern for you, and the useful services she renders you.
Asking frankly that she stop nagging hasn’t helped, either, although it might have if you had asked more gently. We will have to try a sneakier method, but it depends on your not reacting to provocation. Can you manage that?
She says, “You shouldn’t be eating that,” and you say, “You’re so nice to come out in this weather.” She says, “This room is a mess,” and you say, “Did you have trouble parking?”
Or you just close your eyes, wait a beat or two, and then say, “Oops, I must have dozed off.”
Of course, your sister may report to the staff that you seem to be wandering mentally. So you might take the precaution of mentioning to the staff, gently and amusedly, that your sister is afraid you are not paying sufficient attention to her affectionate nagging.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes people enthusiastically tell me something they think I don’t know, particularly about my areas of expertise.
Saying “I already knew that” sounds condescending. Pretending I didn’t know, and saying something like “That’s interesting,” seems passive-aggressive.
I have been accused of competing in the first case and lying by omission in the second.
Could you please recommend a polite and kind way to respond?
GENTLE READER: This is a case for the improv convention of “yes and.”
You listen politely and take it from there — elaborating on the subject, skipping the responses you have tried in the past.
Miss Manners will not object if your taking up the conversation shows that you know far more about the subject than the person who began it — perhaps even more than they are capable of understanding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think the phrase “I appreciate you” is a poor substitute for “Thank you”?
The phrase seems phony. I would rather be thanked than be told that I am appreciated! What are your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That it is churlish to deprecate politeness. There is little enough of it going around.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.