Dear Ismael,
As the father of a Chinese-born adopted child, now an adult, I still have a difficult time identifying the various ethnic groups under the Asian umbrella.
What is the most polite way of asking someone where they were born?
— Kindly Wondering in 60643
Dear Kindly Wondering,
I appreciate tough questions that are often received with backlash, such as these. Realistically, there are intrusive thoughts we may have about people when we first meet them and are curious about their upbringing, family and background. This particular one can be triggering depending on who you ask, who is asking and how.
But if we never ask about the appropriate way — or what’s even the big deal — how will we ever know whether to hold our tongue or proceed? You’re brave to ask and start this educational conversation. This column is a safe place, but it’s also a place for me to feel safe to be honest with you.
I hope you’re ready to hear a genuine answer from a person described as “racially ambiguous.” It might be helpful to start with how NOT to go about finding out where someone was born.
Don’t play the guessing game
“I thought maybe you, Ismael, were Filipino, but I now I think I was possibly mistaken, maybe you are Cuban or Mexican is my better guess.”
That’s an actual unsolicited email I’ve received. I’m no stranger to comments like that. I see similar ones on social media under columns that have nothing to do with my background. I choose not to respond. Out in public, however, it’s sometimes impossible to avoid people’s bewilderment.
On a recent trip to Rome, after exploring the Colosseum, I sat down at a nearby touristy restaurant when a family came in and sat next to me.
The family minded their own business, too concerned over the menu being in English and Italian, and not Spanish. It was the daughter’s pretty tag-along boyfriend who suddenly paused the video on his phone, put it down and chose me as his new source of entertainment.
The guy was puzzled and kept looking for clues, whispering guesses to his indifferent girlfriend, waiting for me to slip up and reveal a hint of my origins.
I felt performative yet paralyzed. How should someone of my race and color act? Does he want me to act like a “Mexican spitfire,” with a fiery Latin temper, when I talk to the waiter? Could me ordering a taco satisfy him?
Some might ask: “Why didn’t you just leave or tell him so he would stop?”
I’m not sure if it’s a Mexican trait, but I’m hardheaded. The more it mattered to him, the less I was willing to share. Plus, why should I entertain an idiot’s game of “am I right or wrong?”
The grand finale to our game came when I paid and took out my passport. He was quick to peek, and report back to the table.
It was anti-climactic since my passport saying “United States” didn’t give him the answer he was truly after.
So, yes. Please don’t do that.
Ask yourself why you need an answer
Before you risk discomfort, ask yourself, “How would this contribute to our conversation?” If you really have to ask, at least follow up with good reasoning. Although, I can’t think of any right now, honestly.
It’s different for personal relationships, when people get to know you and give you the privilege of becoming part of their life. People will give more about them when they’re ready and comfortable around you — that can be in five minutes or five months.
We all wonder whether someone’s ever been a little gay, if they’re happily married or had a privileged upbringing. I’m guilty of being nosy, but always give myself the answer: “It’s none of my business.”
In your case, when in doubt, ask your child how they would feel.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.