DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating a man for nine months, and we’ve started discussing moving in together.
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While I’m excited about the prospect, I have concerns about how our differing cleaning habits and household responsibilities might affect our relationship. I tend to be more organized and prefer a tidy home, while my partner is more relaxed about cleanliness.
I subtly mentioned last night that many modern couples have separate bedrooms — with the option of unlimited sleepovers, which can make the relationship still exciting. He despises the idea, saying we’ll be more like roommates than people in a relationship.
Without offending him, how do I tell him I won’t be moving in if he does not agree with this?
— Living Together Questions
DEAR LIVING TOGETHER QUESTIONS: You have started this conversation in a convoluted way. Go back and be direct.
Tell him that you like the idea of living with him on an emotional level, but you are concerned logistically. Explain that you have noticed that he is not tidy, and you fear that his approach to organization and cleanliness will be a problem for you.
Describe how you would like your house to be kept and what you would hope he would contribute. Get him to talk about his willingness to be neater and to work with you on maintaining your home. But don’t just listen to what he says. Observe his environment for signs of improvement.
He is showing you who he is. Can you live with him as-is? If not, don’t move in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is about to turn 60, which is a huge milestone, and my dad doesn’t seem to be planning anything special for her.
She’s always been the one who goes above and beyond for everyone else in the family, so my siblings and I thought it would be nice for her to have a relaxing spa day. She absolutely loves going to the spa, and we figured it would be a thoughtful gift from my dad, something that shows how much he appreciates her.
We suggested this idea to him a few weeks ago, and he initially agreed it was a great plan. The issue now is that instead of taking the lead and arranging everything, my dad has started asking us to step in and help organize the whole thing. He’s even asking if we can chip in financially to cover the cost of the spa package.
This was supposed to be his gift to his wife, and we really wanted him to make the effort. It feels like he’s passing the responsibility on to us, which just doesn’t seem right for such a significant birthday.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. Should we go ahead and help him, or is it fair to push back and let him handle this on his own?
— Big Birthday
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DEAR BIG BIRTHDAY: Stop dreaming and pretending that your father is going to wake up and become a big party planner. Your mother knows who he is. Instead, take a different approach.
Plan the birthday together with your father. Make it a gift from the family, rather than being invisible behind the scenes with your siblings. Figure out the budget, how much each of you can contribute and what duties each of you will have. Present the plan to your father and siblings, and then make it happen.
Your mother will not be disappointed that the family worked together, nor should you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.