DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an assistant who works remotely. I recently figured out that she takes personal breaks whenever I am at an appointment or otherwise not at my desk.
When I called her on this, she admitted that she uses the time to care for her young child.
I explained that we work on the honor system. I expect her to work during working hours. She may sometimes need to tend to her child, but it cannot mean hours during the day.
I feel like she is taking me for granted. How do I get her to recommit to the schedule?
— Slacker
DEAR SLACKER: Tell her you feel that trust has been broken by her since she is not working when she should. Let her know that you need her to rebuild that trust by doing her work on time and being present during all working hours.
That doesn’t mean she can’t occasionally care for her child, but it doesn’t work for her to be primary care provider and full-time employee.
Give her a timeline to work out her schedule. If she cannot do so effectively, replace her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an aunt since I was 9 years old. I am 29 now, the youngest of five sisters and an aunt to 11 nieces and nephews.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the default babysitter.
I live at home with my mom, which seems to be a prime location for all of my sisters when they need parental relief. Sometimes they show up unannounced or with short notice and simply tell me they need someone to watch their children for a few hours — or sometimes overnight.
I think because I do not currently have a partner or children, they assume I am always home or available.
If I tell them otherwise, they ask if my social engagements are as important as my nieces or nephews. I don’t like that they always expect me to cancel plans at their behest, but I’m not allowed to expect them to plan ahead.
Lately, I’ve been saying “no” more often. Even when I am free, I’d prefer to be alone.
I’ve noticed that sometimes they plan outings without me and say, “We thought you wanted to be alone.”
I’ve tried explaining to them, for years now, that all my free time being dedicated to child care is overwhelming — especially when I am not yet an actual mother — but they tell me I’m insensitive and say I’ll understand how they feel when my time comes.
I think this dynamic has pushed me to be defensive with my siblings and not as joyous with my nieces and nephews. I want all these relationships to be more amicable, and I want my sisters to understand my boundaries.
How do I get them to see my side?
— Tired Auntie
DEAR TIRED AUNTIE: Speak to your siblings. Remind them how much you love them and their children, but point out that you have your own life.
Explain that as much as you like to help them — sometimes — you do not appreciate their assumption that you are always on call to care for their children. Ask them to take a more respectful approach this year, where they inquire about your availability and schedule child care ahead of time rather than treating you like their on-call sitter.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.