DEAR HARRIETTE: I am trying to work on becoming less bothered by the small things in life.
I take things personally, whether they are big or small, and I let them ruin my whole day. For instance, if someone makes a harmless joke at my expense or if I receive minor criticism at work, I dwell on it for hours, sometimes even days.
Even when I know deep down that the comment wasn’t meant to be hurtful, I can’t help but feel slighted or embarrassed. I replay conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing or if people are judging me.
It’s exhausting to constantly feel like I have to prove myself or read between the lines of everything people say.
I admire people who can brush things off and not take life so seriously, but I don’t know how to get to that point myself. I want to be more easygoing and confident, but no matter how much I tell myself to “let it go,” I still feel a knot in my stomach when I think about certain moments.
How can I stop overanalyzing every little thing, take things less personally and start enjoying life without feeling so weighed down by my emotions?
— Sensitive
DEAR SENSITIVE: At least you know that you are having an extreme reaction to the way people engage with you; that’s a step in the right direction.
Now might be the time to count your blessings. Write down what’s good about you. What are your positive qualities? When you receive compliments, what do people say? Pay attention. Even if you think you don’t get any thanks or praise, I believe you do. Now is the time to notice it. Pump yourself up by acknowledging the good in you.
For anything that you need to take to heart and work on, do it. Instead of dwelling on a whole list of shortcomings, focus on one thing at a time that you can improve, and continue to recite your list of accomplishments to help balance out the negative thoughts.
Read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is not to take things personally.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m currently in a relationship with an older man. I’m 24, and he’s 40.
My friends and mom don’t approve, but this person has supported me through some of the hardest chapters of my life.
A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted, and it really uprooted so many things in my life. I found myself feeling broken and confused, and I wasn’t sure I would heal from it. This guy, who didn’t know what I’d been through at the time, showered me with love, care and gentleness, and I began to feel normal again.
Currently, we are long distance, but he plans to move here. I’m excited, but I can’t help but worry how he’ll be received by my loved ones.
Is there something my friends and family are seeing that I’m blind to?
— Older Man
DEAR OLDER MAN: Generational differences can cause conflict over time, but every couple is different. If you feel loved and respected by this man, give the relationship a chance.
Let your family know that you want their support and faith in you. Ask them why they are so apprehensive, and listen to their answers. There is a good chance that they are reacting more to the long-distance aspect of the relationship than to the age difference.
If you two have not yet met in person (safely, in a public space), it is vitally important that you do so before anyone decides to uproot and move to a new town.
While you’re at it, it wouldn’t hurt to have him meet some members of your inner circle. Get honest reactions from them, and take those to heart as you decide your next steps.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.