DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who never tips when we go out to eat, and honestly, it’s starting to bother me.
I understand it a bit more when she’s at a cafe and ordering at the counter, but even at full-service restaurants where the waitstaff is taking our orders, refilling our drinks and bringing out our food, she doesn’t tip at all.
I find it really frustrating, especially because I know she has a decent salary and can absolutely afford to tip.
It’s awkward because I don’t know whether to call her out on it or keep covering the tip myself to avoid embarrassing her. I’ve tried hinting at it before, but she either ignores it or brushes it off.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I also feel bad for the servers who are doing their jobs and not getting tipped fairly. I used to be a server and depended on tips to be able to pay my rent and other bills, so I know how it feels to be stiffed.
Should I bring it up directly, or is this something I have to accept about her?
— Non-Tipper
DEAR NON-TIPPER: No need to tiptoe around this. Speak to your friend directly, and tell her your observations and how you feel about her behavior.
In the United States, it is customary for tips to be part of the cost of dining out. The standard tip is somewhere between 15% to 20% of the actual value of the meal (not counting any coupons or discounts). And, as you point out, the service staff counts on that money as essential income.
If your friend will not reconsider adding a tip to her meal, you should stop going out to eat with her. It is not your responsibility to cover her, nor should you have to feel uncomfortable because she refuses to follow restaurant protocol.
Will she get mad at you? Maybe. That’s when you can use your personal example of having been a server who relied on tips for income to put a fine point on this topic.
DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to “Baby Balance,” the reader who was finding it hard to focus after returning to work post-maternity leave, I’m going to be in the minority here and suggest she become a stay-at-home mom for a few years.
If she’s planning on having another baby, it might make financial sense to stay home, given the cost of good-quality daycare. She should sit down with her partner and come up with a plan.
It takes a lot of financial sacrifice, but she won’t regret it. Others may disagree, but that’s my experience.
— SAHM
DEAR SAHM: Sitting down and doing the math can show you what your next best steps may be. Given the cost of daycare in many cities and dubious safety of some of them, you are right to suggest this as a serious consideration.
Back in the day, there was something called “family planning” that was recommended to all couples who wanted to have children. Part of the strategy was that they should look at their overall goals and resources to map out a way to grow a family as responsibly and comfortably as possible. Yes, sacrifice is always part of it, but this solution has long been a viable option.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.