DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband in the middle of last summer. He had a long illness with strokes and Alzheimer’s, and he was horrible to me. Out of our entire 40 years of marriage, we had only four good ones.
Over the last three years, a gentleman from work would help with things around the house that my husband could no longer do. He would talk to both of us and then go on his way. I took care of my husband 24/7 for the last two years of his life.
I see this man at work all the time. He lost his daughter around the same time I lost my husband. We carpooled and talked a lot. I bought him a tree this year for Christmas with presents (everyone in the vanpool gets presents).
The day after Christmas, we celebrated together. We have been together every day since. He treats me well. My children adore him. My ONLY hang-up is that because he hasn’t dated for more than 20 years, he isn’t very affectionate. Other than that, he’s great to me. If I mention that I like anything, he’ll buy it for me.
Do I take a man who has a hard time kissing and hugging me because he shows affection in other ways, or should I move on? I have lots of family, so even though I would be alone, I would never be lonely. — WONDERING IN THE WEST
DEAR WONDERING: The man you have been seeing has a lot going for him. I don’t know why he isn’t affectionate, and neither, it appears, do you. Please have a calm, straightforward chat with him. Tell him how terrific you think he is, but the fact that he’s not physically affectionate (describe exactly what you mean by that) is a problem for you. He may not know how or not be able to give you what you’re looking for, but it would be a shame to end the relationship over anything that was unsaid.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s and dealing with an illness that can kill me. I’m OK with dying, and I don’t want any treatment. I just want to go.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm since the age of 13. The problem is my children, husband and close family members. I don’t want to tell anyone about this, and I do not want sympathy.
I don’t want to leave my children and husband, but I don’t want them to see me get sick or die. I do not want them to cry. I prefer to deal with this on my own. Who knows? I might make it. Should I tell them what’s going on or leave them hanging? — CHALLENGED IN OHIO
DEAR CHALLENGED: I am sorry about your frightening diagnosis. Please do not leave the people who love you hanging. Your husband will see you growing weak and increasingly sick. Your children should be prepared, in an age-appropriate way, about the changes you will experience so they don’t think it is their fault.
Do everything you can to manage this disease, including talking to your doctors about your mental health history, and think positive, because you may, indeed, make it. If you do, your family will be stronger for it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)