DEAR ABBY: After several months of weight loss, our preteen daughter was hospitalized after a trip to the ER. She was diagnosed with ARFID. It’s an eating disorder we had never heard of but one in which the patient is NOT deliberately losing weight or attempting to change their body.
We canceled a vacation and have taken time off work to circle the wagons and care for her. This has caused questions from our friends, acquaintances, co-workers and extended family, which we have been ducking.
As a former sufferer of an eating disorder, my wife is reluctant to let anyone outside our inner circle know what is going on and risk our daughter beginning middle school with the stigma of an eating disorder. But we need to say something to the people in our lives who know something is wrong and ask what’s going on and where we’ve been.
What should we tell people to preserve our daughter’s privacy while acknowledging that not everything is OK? I thought something like, “My daughter is having stomach problems (true) and lost a bunch of weight (true), and the doctors are trying to figure out what’s going on,” but my wife is concerned that even mentioning weight is going to be stigmatizing.
She is advocating telling people our daughter is malnourished (also true), but to me, this will lead people to draw conclusions that are both too close to home and inaccurate. Please advise. — NAVIGATING THIS IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NAVIGATING: I wish your daughter a complete recovery. Her weight loss will be obvious to anyone who sees her. If I were doing the explaining, I’d shorten the message, eliminating the “lost a bunch of weight” to something like, “Our daughter is having stomach issues. She’s under a doctor’s care, and her team is figuring out what’s going on.” Period.
DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who gossips about our other neighbors. She tells me if a man comes to visit our neighbor across the street and if he spends the night. She’s always asking me where they are going and what they are doing. I told her I don’t know because I don’t pay attention to what other people are doing.
This neighbor has now started calling me if I go out and wants to know where I went. If I go to the doctor, she asks me why. If I have work being done at my home, she asks how much I paid for it. If I’m out more than a few hours, she asks where I was for so long.
I am a private person, and I will tell someone if I want them to know. She even comes outside and starts pulling weeds if I have company. I don’t know how to deal with her. — PRIVATE IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR PRIVATE: Deal with this nosy woman by telling her if it was any of her business, she would already know the answer to her incessant, intrusive questions. Avoid her as much as possible. If your across-the-street neighbor doesn’t already know, warn her that this person is invading her privacy and repeating every detail she observes to anyone who will listen.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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