DEAR ABBY: My mother is toxic. She had a terrible childhood, and she takes it out on me and my younger siblings. I live far away; they live in the same town as she does. If they don’t drop everything for her and do what she wants, she calls them selfish.
Because I had to leave town to get my life together, I am accused of “abandoning” her. I am called selfish and also accused of not loving her. A couple of months ago, we all blocked her on social media because she berates us constantly. We told her to get a therapist.
Today, my sister sent me screenshots of Mom berating her again on Facebook. In the texts my sister sent, Mom said she got a psychotherapist who says we are all psychotic.
Abby, why wouldn’t the therapist see how delusional and toxic my mother is? Why would a therapist feed her delusions? Where do we go from here? Must I block my mom forever and never talk to her again because her therapist won’t help her? — INCREDULOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR INCREDULOUS: Your mother may have been less than truthful about seeing a therapist. I doubt she has found a licensed mental health professional who would diagnose you and your siblings as suffering from psychosis without having met you. Perhaps the sister who shared the screenshots can tell you what that mental health professional’s name is so you can check their credentials.
You left town because you wisely decided to improve your mental health. If you must block your mother and not communicate with her, do not feel guilty for protecting yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 24 years. We make a good living. I earn considerably more than my husband. From the beginning, he has asked me to split everything with him. (He’s not the “provider” type.) He views me as a roommate, financially speaking. He was used to having his parents bail him out of financial situations.
I am tired of being the provider. I pay half the mortgage and far more on other expenses. I also do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking and dishes, and I’ve been picking up after him for 24 years. I have a full-time, highly stressful job and come home from work with chores to do. He works from home and takes naps and siestas during the afternoon.
He brings nothing to the marriage beyond paying his half of the bills. I am no longer physically attracted to him. You can’t blame me. Most women are not attracted to men who cannot provide. We have one child. I can’t breathe and would rather die young than grow old in this hopeless, depressing arrangement. I just need validation that I shouldn’t be putting up with this. — PROVIDER IN THE WEST
DEAR PROVIDER: I don’t know how many other women would tolerate the kind of marriage you have described, but many do. You are entitled to your feelings, but before doing anything rash, it’s important that you discuss this with an attorney who specializes in family law. According to the law in the community property golden state of California, your husband could wind up with half of your hard-earned assets.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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