DEAR ABBY: A close friend, whom I’ve been urging for years to save for a rainy day, is now facing a very real storm. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and is undergoing treatment. Knowing her financial situation — living paycheck to paycheck despite her and her husband’s high-paying jobs — I felt compelled to help by setting up a GoFundMe.
I have been managing updates on her journey, but the truth is, she has always been impulsive with money — spending bonus checks on gambling, cruises, fancy restaurants and vacations rather than building a safety net. Now, with this diagnosis, her past spending habits are coming back to haunt her. Many friends and family, knowing her history, are reluctant to donate.
It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle, but in spite of her illness, she still indulges in these expensive habits despite needing to save every penny. I’ve tried talking to her, but she’s in a fragile state physically and emotionally. I feel conflicted. On one hand, I want to support her through this difficult time; on the other, I can’t condone her continued spending.
I’m now planning to distance myself from the GoFundMe, because it feels dishonest to beg for donations for someone who won’t prioritize her own financial recovery. What do you think, Abby? How do I balance my friendship with my moral compass? — SYMPATHIZING IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SYMPATHIZING: I think you should separate yourself from the GoFundMe project you started. As a good friend, you can continue supporting this woman emotionally, but you are not required to promote her getting money. If a recipient uses donated funds for a purpose other than what they are intended, it could be considered fraud.
DEAR ABBY: Our son, “Caleb,” and his fiancee, “Lucy,” are getting married next year. He is 26, and she is 24. Our last name is unusual and sounds like a dirty word when mispronounced, which it often is. After “a lot of thought,” Caleb has decided to legally take Lucy’s surname after their wedding. (She and her family are on board.) He was not asking his father’s or my permission, but informing us of his plans.
Caleb is our only son. We also have a daughter. I support my son’s decision, but his father does not. They no longer speak. My husband is also upset about future grandchildren carrying on a different family name. Abby, do you know of any men who have taken their wives’ surnames? — WANTS PEACE IN THE FAMILY
DEAR WANTS PEACE: You may want peace, but it isn’t up to you to solve this dilemma. Changing one’s name for the reason your son stated may be unusual, but it isn’t unheard of. Some couples decide to blend their names, as one former mayor of Los Angeles did. While your husband may be disappointed about the path your son has chosen, the decision is not his to make.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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