Dear Eric: I just read the question about the person who always has something negative to say about what is going badly in her life (“Not Your Therapist”).
That was me four decades ago when a toxic relationship took over my life. Every conversation was all about how badly he was treating me.
My friend finally said to me, “I love you as a friend and want to spend time with you, but it hurts me to see how badly he treats you. Our conversation seems to revolve around him, and I can’t enable these talks by listening to your situation.”
She said if I started talking about him, she would change the subject and direct the conversation to something else. If I went back to talking about him, she would try one more time. If I brought him up a third time, she would quietly and politely end the conversation.
It only took once or twice of her leaving the conversation for me to get her message. I stopped complaining about him, and it wasn’t long after that I saw the light and I broke up with him.
My friend was kind and firm and really did show her friendship by caring for me in this way.
– Good Friend
Dear Friend: The kind but firm redirect is a great gesture. The best friends stand by us through good times and the pits. But I always appreciate a friend who knows me well enough to say “I think you’re getting stuck on this thing. Let’s pivot.”
Dear Eric: I have always been close with my only siblings, my twin sister (67) and our brother (72). But the two of them have had many issues over the past few years, and he chooses to distance himself from her.
I feel like I’ve always been the family matriarch and arbitrator.
Our brother is now in a seniors’ home with virtually no funds to speak of. His daughter and I arranged the move, a very stressful time for us all.
There was little help from my sister, though we had amicably and firmly agreed several years ago to share some costs related to our brother.
It should be noted that the funds expected are a few hundred dollars a month, not thousands, and my sister can afford it.
She insists our brother is not her responsibility. She says he can be on the street, or he should be the responsibility of his daughter.
Our brother’s daughter cannot afford to help financially. My husband and I are now looking after my brother financially. My sister firmly refuses to assist. Further, she is angry at me when I bring up how disappointed I am that she has done this.
While I appreciate that she is on her own and is careful with her money, she did agree to help financially in some ways.
I’m keeping the peace for the family’s sake, and my husband is a true and generous gem, but my sister’s continued lack of help is causing a real rift. Your help is welcome.
– Torn Twin
Dear Twin: Your sister may think that she’s working out her conflict with your brother – through revenge, which is not a very effective form of family conflict resolution – but the person she’s hurting is you. It’s not fair.
Being the family arbitrator is a thankless job; the pay is lousy. It’s also a position that many folks should resign from. Ask yourself how much of your conflict with your sister is about sharing the financial strain and how much is about trying to keep a fractured family together.
Your brother and sister have made it clear that they don’t want to be involved with each other, so you may want to work on accepting that the family you want is not the family you have. If you can accept that, you might be freer to nurture separate relationships with them.
It’s important to you that your brother be cared for. Try to reframe it as a choice you are actively making, rather than one you’re forced into by your sister. These circumstances are a result of your sister’s actions, yes, but they’re also a result of your brother’s life circumstances and his choices. Now you and your husband are making the choice to step up for him.
It’s worth bringing up to your sister again that her actions impacted you and that, even if she’s not going to change, she needs to acknowledge that. She can be angry if she wants; that’s not your problem to solve. Is it really keeping the peace in the family if you’re walking around feeling agitated? Better to be able to say, “this isn’t the way I wanted it to go, but for the sake of our relationship, I want to move on.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.