Dear Eric: A group of my friends has been meeting monthly for about 35 years. Initially, the gathering was intended to discuss our common profession, but over the years the monthly sessions have become equal parts personal and career talk.
Nowadays it is a core group of seven participants (originally 20), with some erratic attendance due to family and life constraints.
Seven months ago, we accepted a newcomer on the basis of a former participant’s recommendation. Unfortunately, it’s become apparent that that participant has “changed the vibe” of the group, and even though he has done nothing egregious, we’d like to uninvite him.
One of the legacy members feels so strongly about this, he won’t attend any meeting that the newcomer attends. He just doesn’t care for him.
What is the best (least cruel, easiest) way of handling this “expulsion”? We have no personal relationship with the newcomer outside of these monthly sessions.
– Group Dynamics
Dear Dynamics: Directness may not feel great in the moment, but it’ll likely be the most effective way to reset your group.
One of you (perhaps you, or you could deputize someone else) should have a one-on-one chat with the new member, explaining that the group dynamic changed in a way that the original members aren’t comfortable with. Remind the new member that you’ve been meeting for 35 years, and old rhythms are hard to break.
If it’s possible – and you’re so inclined – offer an alternative. I’m not clear what you talk about in this group now, but if there’s a particular subject, maybe there’s another outlet for this new member.
Another alternative is just to start meeting separately. You asked for easiest and, honestly, that’s the easiest. But – and this is a big but – it has the potential to be much more hurtful than a direct conversation should he find out you’ve been having clandestine gatherings without him.
Best to just acknowledge the truth: Some changes don’t work out.
Dear Eric: I’ve always had a close relationship with my mom and, for much of my adult life, I didn’t really have a life of my own away from her.
In the past few years, I entered into my first serious relationship. We moved in together and had an on-again-off-again thing for a while and are now living separately.
We are now considering moving back in together to save money because times are tough for both of us. I understand it might seem a strange arrangement, but my ex is still my best friend in the world and, to be perfectly honest, I feel so much more connected to him than to my mom.
She was very much against this idea and became very upset when I told her.
I just want her to understand that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Lately, every time I visit her and talk with her, I’m left feeling emotionally and mentally drained afterward.
I love my mom and want to have a relationship with her but now I feel like I have to set boundaries and limit our time together. I don’t want to feel like I have to live a double life because she’s not the biggest fan of my ex due to our history. I guess I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated by her and now I feel like I have to protect myself.
– Independent Daughter
Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mom is having a rough time handling the transition from having a daughter whose life revolved around her, to having a daughter who makes her own choices, even ones that your mom doesn’t agree with.
That’s totally understandable. It takes time to realign a relationship, especially a parent-and-child relationship that’s especially close.
If you can, it would be worth your time talking to a therapist about the specific dynamics of this relationship, to better understand the patterns of behavior or scripts that you and your mom are getting stuck in.
It’s concerning that you start off by writing that you’re really close and end by writing that you feel manipulated. Talking through what’s going on inside may help you see the relationship more clearly. It may not be healthy.
A neutral party can give you resources for changing what doesn’t work in the relationship. Or, you two may simply be getting stuck in a growing pain.
Additionally, talk to your mom openly about the tension you’re feeling in the relationship. Don’t make it about your ex or your decision. It’ll be too easy to go back to having the same fight. Instead, try something like “I want to get to the bottom of the tension we’re having.” And then speak from the “I” perspective about things you’re noticing and feeling, and how you’d like things to be moving forward.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.