Dear Eric: My younger sister is in her sophomore year at university (her school is far from home). I’m a couple of years older than her, but we are best friends. She just celebrated her one-year anniversary with her boyfriend (same age as her), who she met in her first week in school.
I love her boyfriend and support their relationship — he is kind and fun. However, I’m concerned about how quickly they have become emotionally dependent on each other. My sister does not have many close friends, and when she started dating this guy, they latched onto each other quickly and started spending lots of time together.
This has continued all year. They also both have mental health struggles. At one point, my sister was staying with him more often than she was in her dorm for weeks on end. She missed classes to take care of him and even expressed to me that it was really weighing on her.
This episode passed, but whenever she has come home to visit, she has been extremely distraught about being away from him to the point where she’s had panic attacks. She has a counselor and overall seems to be well. But I am really afraid that this is preventing her from branching out and making other friends/connections. I recently supported another friend of mine whose relationship started in their first month of college and ended shortly before graduation — their breakup was terrible. I don’t want my sister to go through this. What do I do?
— Concerned Sister
Dear Sister: Shakespeare once wrote “the course of true love never did run smooth,” but this is also true of less-than-perfect loves. While you can’t necessarily prevent your sister from heartache or heartbreak, you can be clear about your concerns and unwavering in your support of her mental health.
It’s worth mentioning that every love relationship is strengthened by healthy friendships. Hearing it in a non-judgmental way from a person she trusts may help open her eyes. We often need mentors to help us understand how relationships should work.
Most of your focus should be on the ways that aspects of the relationship are impacting her mental well-being. Ask about the panic attacks. Is she discussing them with her counselor? Would it be useful to talk to another mental health professional? Remind her that panic is not a by-product of a healthy relationship and there’s help available.
This may sound to her like you don’t approve of the relationship. Emphasize that this isn’t about her boyfriend, so much as it’s about helping her find healthy structures for her life and effective treatment.
The unhealthy aspects of this may be maturity-related, but there are concerning signs that your sister and her boyfriend aren’t making use of the resources available to them to build a stable foundation. Talk to her about what you’re seeing and how she can better care for herself and make needed changes.
Dear Eric: I just read the letter from “Personal Space,” who was trying to distance herself from her deceased husband’s sister and the sister’s constant texts. I have grappled with a similar situation after my brother died.
One of his close friends, (who I didn’t know prior to the funeral) calls me maybe once a year or so, wanting to talk. He loves to talk about my brother, bringing up their history and mutual interests, all the way back to their high school days (we’re in our 70s now).
This connection seemed odd to me, that it continued through the years, since we never really knew each other well. But recently, I happened to be at the cemetery where my brother and parents are buried and received one of the friend’s calls. The cemetery is in the little community where our family began, in a different state, and my whole family from my dad’s side is laid to rest there.
The trip had been very emotional for me, because my family of origin and all the aunts and uncles and many of those favorite cousins are gone, too, along with so many memories we shared. I decided right then and there that from now on, when the friend and I talked, I would start writing down his stories about my brother. My children and grandchildren can learn about him, and we can also share those memories as well. My brother didn’t have children, I have no other siblings, so these memories will keep his memory alive.
— Attitude Change
Dear Change: I love this re-framing. You not only get to deepen a relationship with another person, but you’re creating and extending a family legacy. I also think it’s important that you recognize a way to acknowledge and tend to your grief. Thank you for sharing this.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)